Dancing with the Universe

[formerly filtered to ic]
[explicit]

For the first time in a month, I feel like my body, heart, and mind are calm.

The insomnia has been pretty bad, but I'm hoping that eases now. Most of it was because of the emotional pain I've been stirring up; it's not gone, but I seem to have relieved the pressure for a bit. Maybe now I can relinquish control enough to drift off at night.

( Wednesday didn't start in a happy place. )

( Heading into rather steamy territory, possibly TMI )

( Thursday domesticity )

I'm starting to surprise myself.

I have a well-refined sense of duty and responsibility, and I try to be conscious of others' needs and accommodate them. So it's not too surprising that, no matter how much I really wish I could spend another hour (or just another ten minutes) with Akien -- with the whole household -- I can look at the time, say "I should go home now, so that you can sleep/spend time together", and actually follow my own advice. I'm accustomed to reining in my own desires for the common good.

What's surprising is how easy it's getting. I still crave him, I'm still reveling in the sense of belonging, I still run down there every little chance I get... but it's getting so that I can leave without a stab of regret.

I think that the reason lies in the dynamic there. The extraordinary thing about it is that looking out for each other is so basic a function of the relationships in that house that it's completely a given, no thought required. And, as someone who has been accepted as a (provisional) member, I'm included in that. So my needs are considered right along with everyone else's, quite naturally. And that's where the magic happens.

I'm discovering that, if I really believe that other people are looking out for my needs, I don't have to focus so much on protecting my own self-interest... and that effort which I would normally put into always looking out for myself (as a self-sufficient island) gets freed up. Then I can put those extra cycles into looking out for their needs instead. So, since I know they're looking out for what I need, I can look out for what they need; since they're caring for me, I can relax and do what's in my power to care for them, without feeling stretched thin.

This is, essentially, the gift economy applied to relationships: everyone understands their own requirements, provides for them as best they can, and gives away any surplus... and we all end up with extra floating around, because everybody's filling in the gaps for everyone else. Except that instead of tools or generator capacity or food, we've got extra caring floating around. It's something I never expected to see.

This is why I can say, Akien needs time with Leah for a change, and extract myself easily; they've done such a good job of recognizing my needs that I don't have to worry about it. It's easy to be graceful in relinquishing something precious to you when you know everyone understands how important it is, and they'll make sure it's still there when you get back.

I was exhausted, living with constant grinding pain, coasting along and trying to make the best of things. I was maintaining a LARP website that I had taken over from britgeekgrrl, going to game, and spending most of the rest of my days in bed.

I had met a fellow gamer, a nice, slightly odd fellow whose character was wrapped up in some plot point with mine. We had gotten to talking, and I found him comfortable, soothing. He gave good hugs. Being around him was the closest I had gotten to finding some sort of painkiller. I was over at his place, on the couch, enjoying his presence and updating the game site for that week. I took a break and reclined a bit, and he took the opportunity to kiss me. And that was that.

The last eight years have had their ups and downs, sometimes big ones. The fires got banked to coals, and sometimes seemed to have gone out. Just in the last few weeks, though, I've been digging down in the ashes, and found not just the warmth that I'd forgotten, but a few sparks left. I'm finding more every day.

There are times I've wondered why I'm with him, but the reasons are right in front of my nose. They always have been. We never really changed except for the better.

He doesn't read LJ, but I thought I'd post this anyway.... I love my Weasel. Happy anniversary-like thing.