Revelations
Nov. 13th, 2014 15:28![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
torquill[formerly filtered to ic]
[explicit]
For the first time in a month, I feel like my body, heart, and mind are calm.
The insomnia has been pretty bad, but I'm hoping that eases now. Most of it was because of the emotional pain I've been stirring up; it's not gone, but I seem to have relieved the pressure for a bit. Maybe now I can relinquish control enough to drift off at night.
I was in a lot of pain after Monday night... I got through Tuesday all right, as I was both exhausted and busy, and I got to seefirestrike for the first time since April. But Wednesday morning I woke up crying and couldn't stop.
akienm invited me to come over; the dictates of self-care made me eat and put things in order before coming down, but then I fled, before my parents were even out of bed. Just dropped everything. I was exhausted, but good enough to drive.
After a very gentle paternal lecture on why, exactly, they had given me the key to the house -- I'll try to work on seeing it as my house too, I'm just not there yet -- Akien left me to my own devices and went to take care of other things. I puttered. I had brought a bunch of things to occupy my time, but after mending Greg's rather tattered pillowcase (it was hard not to draw parallels between the pillowcase and our relationship, both being difficult to repair, full of more holes than I expected, and probably not worth the effort anymore) I gave up and uncased the harp. I managed to get the full daybed in the living room and sprawled with it; I tend to lie down and rest it on top of me, especially if I can prop something under my elbows. I tuned it, then noodled on it, while Akien took a call and paced about thirty circuits of the house.
I finally realized I was dozing off in earnest, and tried to nap, only to find that (once again) as soon as I actually tried to sleep, I couldn't. Akien offered some supplements and a little relaxation time, though when we had settled down it turned out he had a rather more active means of relaxing than I had been proposing.
I wasn't in a good space, though. The first orgasm was followed by a spate of crying, during which he held me gently as he always does. Normally crying makes me feel a little better, but the pain was still there, as bad as ever, no matter how much I cried. And I was exhausted, both by the pain and lack of sleep. He tried again but I stopped him, protesting that it just hurt too much. The very compassion and connection which has been so healing to me during our lovemaking felt like it was tearing me apart, and I couldn't stop it. I knew, in the back of my mind, that there must be bounds to the pain, but it felt endless.
He held me until I quieted, and started to drift off, then left me in the dark to sleep. And I did, at last.
He woke me about an hour later, and we went grocery shopping, and talked, and I fixed dinner. When Leah came home I talked to her about the turkey patties I had made; between my exhaustion and my very scant ability to read her, I got the impression that she was wary of the fact that I had put breadcrumbs in them, which meant a small quantity of yeast. It shook me a little, and I went into the living room to regroup, telling myself that Akien had vetted the recipe, I had made one with fewer crumbs than the rest, Leah was doing better on the dietary front anyway, and if we were wrong it hadn't poisoned her for life, and...
I was very, very aware that no matter how well Akien and I get along, if I screwed up with Leah, it was Game Over. Period. I realized that one event was unlikely to lead to a veto, but as somebody with food sensitivities myself, if somebody comes across to me as discounting my sensitivities, especially if it jeopardizes my food security, it's a major strike against them for me. I really didn't want to screw up the first time I cooked dinner for Leah.
Akien came up to me and I explained that I was anxious, and didn't really need to be, so I was trying to unwind... I was just looking for approval, again. When I state things like that, I know it's probably evident to him, but it's more of an indication that I at least recognize what's going on.
He left for a moment and came back with a red Sharpie. Then he took my right hand, and, holding it so that I couldn't see what he was doing, started to draw. A minute later, he gave the hand back to me, with a fair approximation of an "APPROVED" stamp across the back.
I laughed, because it seemed very silly... but as the night wore on, I realized it was pure genius. Intuitively, I understand the notion of a hand-stamp conferring access. In combination with the house-key lecture, it drove home that I was in. I'd gotten into the club. I had met the entrance requirements to be part of the household.
Dinner and TV were a rather low-key affair after that, though I did note that there were no leftovers from the double-batch of turkey. (Not bad, given that I had to improvise the poultry seasoning.) We stopped the show after we were done eating, so that Akien and Leah could go do some physical and chemical adjustments while Micheal did dishes. I pulled out the harp again.
After a little while, Akien and Leah collected me, and we headed to bed. Now, I've had a few threesomes over the years, from the post-Rocky Horror experiment that could be what took my virginity (depending on how you figure it) to a couple of pile-ups at swing parties. I don't relax well around women, especially women behaving sexually, and I'm never really sure what I should be doing. All of that sort of dissolved with Leah. She took a supportive role following Akien, certainly, but when I leaned back against her ("sex furniture", indeed) while Akien worked on me, it just felt comfortable and safe. Good, even, as she was petting me.
She picked up a couple of my orgasms -- the benefits of tantra-enabled people, Akien says -- and I laughed at Akien's expression when he looked at her. It was totally a "See? Haven't I found a really AWESOME toy?" look. Apparently I'm not only very easily orgasmic, I have very gratifying responses. It usually means he ends up looking smug, but I found it amusing to be shown off like that.
We played around for a while, switching places so that I was furniture for Leah, and I got to "ride" with them. I've always been an outlier in my ability to pick up on energy and others' sensations, but touching two other people with the same sensitivity while they're having sex... I shared a lot of what they were doing, including the spiritual connection, and it was profound and very arousing.
As soon as Akien switched from me to her, though, I was struck by the difference in him; it was obvious they had had years of daily practice together, but it was more than that. When he's making love to me, he's entertained, pleased, a trifle smug, occasionally satisfied. With her, he dropped his guard. He was tender, devoted, and totally vulnerable. He abandoned himself to the act in a way he doesn't with me, where he's directing and on the lookout for potential triggers. I got to see the depths of him, under his self-control, a glimpse of what he is when he trusts someone completely. It was a breathtakingly beautiful thing to watch.
I got to see a little of that again in the morning. I treasure their relationship for several reasons, like I would a precious work of art, but for the first time I found myself wanting it. Not jealousy, where I would try to take Leah's place, but what I would call envy (or possibly covetousness in Akien's lexicon: she has a cookie, I want a cookie too, but it doesn't have to be her cookie). I found that I want that vulnerability, that trust, placed in my hands -- whether it's Akien, or someone equally as important to me. It was the most beautiful demonstration of love I've ever seen.
When I told Akien about what I had seen, he teared up. He hadn't seen it like that before, though I was on the mark. I told him what I had seen made me love him more, and that I would be honored if he were ever to trust me that much. I hope I have the opportunity to earn it.
We went on to other things, and finally Leah went off to see Micheal. Akien and I went another round (because it's him). It was the second time I experienced something which I've never had with anyone else before: lovemaking where the sex is the lesser part of it, just a backdrop for the spiritual connection. We intertwined to the point that I could feel what he felt, and we moved together like one person. There was no separation between who I was and who he was -- everything I experienced, he was right there with me. Anxiety was impossible. Unlike the last time, it wasn't just a few moments, and I reveled in the feeling of not being alone in my skin like I have been my entire life.
I've read descriptions of this sort of sacred lovemaking, and I thought it was a romantic construct (a tactful way of calling it a crock of shit). The ideal of two becoming one in the sacred union, biblical references, etc. etc. But it turns out to be what happens when two people are completely in tune and focused on one another, and drop the barriers between them. Akien refers to it as Tantra, the ideal behind the trappings and symbolism. If that's what I've been trying to reach all these years, if this is what it can produce, I'm spoiled for life. I'll spend the rest of my life striving to achieve that oneness, as much as I can.
For someone whose experiences with sex have been traumatic and terrifying since the age of five, this was completely mindblowing.
We cuddled for a while afterward, and I told him some of what I'd seen and felt. Eventually we were joined by Leah again, and Akien broke the Smug-O-Meter when he got the chance to finger both of us at once. The evening ended with chocolate, and a little cuddling, and sleep between two friendly bodies.
I didn't expect to sleep through the night, if only because I need to shift position occasionally to keep my joints from locking up, and shifting always involves conscious navigation when it's three people in one bed. But I found myself waking up several times, which meant I was asleep quite a bit, and I woke up refreshed for the first time in weeks.
Morning sex for them was quiet, and I spent some of it watching and the rest waking up. Then Akien surprised me by having me for seconds (this *is* him) while Leah went to see if she could catch Micheal. More cuddling, and when Leah came back, Akien helped finish her off. I was surprised and a little touched when Leah snuggled up to me while he took her from behind. After he was done with the Inca followup, I commented that it was kind of amusing when he would ask her "How about *this*?" and I could just about answer him myself, based on my own reaction to what he was doing inside her. Sympathetic vibrations indeed.
All of this activity had eaten up the time usually given to the morning walk, and it was quite wet out anyway, so Leah went to fix herself breakfast while Akien and I showered. I dressed while she joined him in the shower, then I fiddled around a little, talked to Micheal, and generally woke up. I followed Akien's lead in fixing myself breakfast, and we sat around for a little bit as we ate.
I finally left for home around midmorning, collecting myself and heading out with a clearer head than I've had in weeks. I feel accepted, at least for the moment, and a lot of the gnawing pain is gone. I still have some knotty issues that can only be unraveled with time, but one thing which is not lacking in that household is patience.
Akien was muttering about getting the "APPROVED" stamp tattooed on my hand, but I suspect by the time I was sure I'd want it, it would be unnecessary. :)
[explicit]
For the first time in a month, I feel like my body, heart, and mind are calm.
The insomnia has been pretty bad, but I'm hoping that eases now. Most of it was because of the emotional pain I've been stirring up; it's not gone, but I seem to have relieved the pressure for a bit. Maybe now I can relinquish control enough to drift off at night.
I was in a lot of pain after Monday night... I got through Tuesday all right, as I was both exhausted and busy, and I got to see
firestrike for the first time since April. But Wednesday morning I woke up crying and couldn't stop.akienm invited me to come over; the dictates of self-care made me eat and put things in order before coming down, but then I fled, before my parents were even out of bed. Just dropped everything. I was exhausted, but good enough to drive.After a very gentle paternal lecture on why, exactly, they had given me the key to the house -- I'll try to work on seeing it as my house too, I'm just not there yet -- Akien left me to my own devices and went to take care of other things. I puttered. I had brought a bunch of things to occupy my time, but after mending Greg's rather tattered pillowcase (it was hard not to draw parallels between the pillowcase and our relationship, both being difficult to repair, full of more holes than I expected, and probably not worth the effort anymore) I gave up and uncased the harp. I managed to get the full daybed in the living room and sprawled with it; I tend to lie down and rest it on top of me, especially if I can prop something under my elbows. I tuned it, then noodled on it, while Akien took a call and paced about thirty circuits of the house.
I finally realized I was dozing off in earnest, and tried to nap, only to find that (once again) as soon as I actually tried to sleep, I couldn't. Akien offered some supplements and a little relaxation time, though when we had settled down it turned out he had a rather more active means of relaxing than I had been proposing.
I wasn't in a good space, though. The first orgasm was followed by a spate of crying, during which he held me gently as he always does. Normally crying makes me feel a little better, but the pain was still there, as bad as ever, no matter how much I cried. And I was exhausted, both by the pain and lack of sleep. He tried again but I stopped him, protesting that it just hurt too much. The very compassion and connection which has been so healing to me during our lovemaking felt like it was tearing me apart, and I couldn't stop it. I knew, in the back of my mind, that there must be bounds to the pain, but it felt endless.
He held me until I quieted, and started to drift off, then left me in the dark to sleep. And I did, at last.
He woke me about an hour later, and we went grocery shopping, and talked, and I fixed dinner. When Leah came home I talked to her about the turkey patties I had made; between my exhaustion and my very scant ability to read her, I got the impression that she was wary of the fact that I had put breadcrumbs in them, which meant a small quantity of yeast. It shook me a little, and I went into the living room to regroup, telling myself that Akien had vetted the recipe, I had made one with fewer crumbs than the rest, Leah was doing better on the dietary front anyway, and if we were wrong it hadn't poisoned her for life, and...
I was very, very aware that no matter how well Akien and I get along, if I screwed up with Leah, it was Game Over. Period. I realized that one event was unlikely to lead to a veto, but as somebody with food sensitivities myself, if somebody comes across to me as discounting my sensitivities, especially if it jeopardizes my food security, it's a major strike against them for me. I really didn't want to screw up the first time I cooked dinner for Leah.
Akien came up to me and I explained that I was anxious, and didn't really need to be, so I was trying to unwind... I was just looking for approval, again. When I state things like that, I know it's probably evident to him, but it's more of an indication that I at least recognize what's going on.
He left for a moment and came back with a red Sharpie. Then he took my right hand, and, holding it so that I couldn't see what he was doing, started to draw. A minute later, he gave the hand back to me, with a fair approximation of an "APPROVED" stamp across the back.
I laughed, because it seemed very silly... but as the night wore on, I realized it was pure genius. Intuitively, I understand the notion of a hand-stamp conferring access. In combination with the house-key lecture, it drove home that I was in. I'd gotten into the club. I had met the entrance requirements to be part of the household.
Dinner and TV were a rather low-key affair after that, though I did note that there were no leftovers from the double-batch of turkey. (Not bad, given that I had to improvise the poultry seasoning.) We stopped the show after we were done eating, so that Akien and Leah could go do some physical and chemical adjustments while Micheal did dishes. I pulled out the harp again.
After a little while, Akien and Leah collected me, and we headed to bed. Now, I've had a few threesomes over the years, from the post-Rocky Horror experiment that could be what took my virginity (depending on how you figure it) to a couple of pile-ups at swing parties. I don't relax well around women, especially women behaving sexually, and I'm never really sure what I should be doing. All of that sort of dissolved with Leah. She took a supportive role following Akien, certainly, but when I leaned back against her ("sex furniture", indeed) while Akien worked on me, it just felt comfortable and safe. Good, even, as she was petting me.
She picked up a couple of my orgasms -- the benefits of tantra-enabled people, Akien says -- and I laughed at Akien's expression when he looked at her. It was totally a "See? Haven't I found a really AWESOME toy?" look. Apparently I'm not only very easily orgasmic, I have very gratifying responses. It usually means he ends up looking smug, but I found it amusing to be shown off like that.
We played around for a while, switching places so that I was furniture for Leah, and I got to "ride" with them. I've always been an outlier in my ability to pick up on energy and others' sensations, but touching two other people with the same sensitivity while they're having sex... I shared a lot of what they were doing, including the spiritual connection, and it was profound and very arousing.
As soon as Akien switched from me to her, though, I was struck by the difference in him; it was obvious they had had years of daily practice together, but it was more than that. When he's making love to me, he's entertained, pleased, a trifle smug, occasionally satisfied. With her, he dropped his guard. He was tender, devoted, and totally vulnerable. He abandoned himself to the act in a way he doesn't with me, where he's directing and on the lookout for potential triggers. I got to see the depths of him, under his self-control, a glimpse of what he is when he trusts someone completely. It was a breathtakingly beautiful thing to watch.
I got to see a little of that again in the morning. I treasure their relationship for several reasons, like I would a precious work of art, but for the first time I found myself wanting it. Not jealousy, where I would try to take Leah's place, but what I would call envy (or possibly covetousness in Akien's lexicon: she has a cookie, I want a cookie too, but it doesn't have to be her cookie). I found that I want that vulnerability, that trust, placed in my hands -- whether it's Akien, or someone equally as important to me. It was the most beautiful demonstration of love I've ever seen.
When I told Akien about what I had seen, he teared up. He hadn't seen it like that before, though I was on the mark. I told him what I had seen made me love him more, and that I would be honored if he were ever to trust me that much. I hope I have the opportunity to earn it.
We went on to other things, and finally Leah went off to see Micheal. Akien and I went another round (because it's him). It was the second time I experienced something which I've never had with anyone else before: lovemaking where the sex is the lesser part of it, just a backdrop for the spiritual connection. We intertwined to the point that I could feel what he felt, and we moved together like one person. There was no separation between who I was and who he was -- everything I experienced, he was right there with me. Anxiety was impossible. Unlike the last time, it wasn't just a few moments, and I reveled in the feeling of not being alone in my skin like I have been my entire life.
I've read descriptions of this sort of sacred lovemaking, and I thought it was a romantic construct (a tactful way of calling it a crock of shit). The ideal of two becoming one in the sacred union, biblical references, etc. etc. But it turns out to be what happens when two people are completely in tune and focused on one another, and drop the barriers between them. Akien refers to it as Tantra, the ideal behind the trappings and symbolism. If that's what I've been trying to reach all these years, if this is what it can produce, I'm spoiled for life. I'll spend the rest of my life striving to achieve that oneness, as much as I can.
For someone whose experiences with sex have been traumatic and terrifying since the age of five, this was completely mindblowing.
We cuddled for a while afterward, and I told him some of what I'd seen and felt. Eventually we were joined by Leah again, and Akien broke the Smug-O-Meter when he got the chance to finger both of us at once. The evening ended with chocolate, and a little cuddling, and sleep between two friendly bodies.
I didn't expect to sleep through the night, if only because I need to shift position occasionally to keep my joints from locking up, and shifting always involves conscious navigation when it's three people in one bed. But I found myself waking up several times, which meant I was asleep quite a bit, and I woke up refreshed for the first time in weeks.
Morning sex for them was quiet, and I spent some of it watching and the rest waking up. Then Akien surprised me by having me for seconds (this *is* him) while Leah went to see if she could catch Micheal. More cuddling, and when Leah came back, Akien helped finish her off. I was surprised and a little touched when Leah snuggled up to me while he took her from behind. After he was done with the Inca followup, I commented that it was kind of amusing when he would ask her "How about *this*?" and I could just about answer him myself, based on my own reaction to what he was doing inside her. Sympathetic vibrations indeed.
All of this activity had eaten up the time usually given to the morning walk, and it was quite wet out anyway, so Leah went to fix herself breakfast while Akien and I showered. I dressed while she joined him in the shower, then I fiddled around a little, talked to Micheal, and generally woke up. I followed Akien's lead in fixing myself breakfast, and we sat around for a little bit as we ate.
I finally left for home around midmorning, collecting myself and heading out with a clearer head than I've had in weeks. I feel accepted, at least for the moment, and a lot of the gnawing pain is gone. I still have some knotty issues that can only be unraveled with time, but one thing which is not lacking in that household is patience.
Akien was muttering about getting the "APPROVED" stamp tattooed on my hand, but I suspect by the time I was sure I'd want it, it would be unnecessary. :)
no subject
Date: 2014-11-14 02:41 (UTC)And thank you so much for this. As of 6am, I've read it six times so far, and I'm still tearing up. I am so grateful for the gift of your words.
BTW, I *think* these were the definitions we came up with...
Envy = I want some too
Covetousness = I want you not to have it
Jealousy = you can't have it because I'm afraid of losing it