torquill: Doctor Wilson, thoughtful (wilson)
How one plays Ingress is a reflection of one's personality.

The third team in a two-team game )
torquill: The devourer of worlds is not impressed. (devourer)
Most of the time I'm doing pretty well; I'm content, I'm pleasantly busy, I have what I need and life goes pretty smoothly. Every so often the facade slips, though, and it's like I'm waking up out of a pleasant dream, like the illusion falters for a second. It's not depression, or not primarily depression, though I do tend to get a sense of despair and hopelessness when I look at it. This is me emerging out of my safe little burrow and having a look around.

My increased pain levels, the exhaustion which is far worse than two years ago, my joint issues, the fight with Social Security, the lack of any viable treatments for my condition, reading through my medical charts and realizing how many medical professionals have basically noted down that I'm mentally unstable even as they smile to my face and say they believe me, my growing host of food sensitivities, the solvent I can't tolerate showing up in a growing number of cleaning products, reacting to my own body's estrogen production, the difficulty of procuring what I need to deal with that even when the doctor *does* believe me, the garbage fire that is my finances, all the projects I started and now can't work on because I have no energy anymore, the state of decay of the yard and the house, the horror of a Trump presidency for a poor disabled trans person...

A two-panel comic, where a dog is sitting in a room which is on fire.  In the second panel, the dog says, "This is fine."

Thank god for Ingress.
torquill: The devourer of worlds is not impressed. (devourer)
Sometimes I can be an idiot, and I end up second-guessing myself. The trick, as now, is in determining whether I was an idiot to start with, or an idiot for second-guessing.

I managed to fall off the edge of myself for the first time since August. I'm mostly done with the reconstruction work now, and it gets easier each time, but it's been a long night. Every time it happens, I panic, sheer blind fear. Last time I was at a party and couldn't run, so I retreated into my mind instead. This time I was in the car, so I ran. All it took was from Orinda to the end of Marsh Creek Road; by the time I turned around at Los Vaqueros I was mostly numb, and starting to heal the damage. I had something to eat and made tea, focusing on self-care. Now I'm well into processing, with most of Sam back in place, and some tentative framing at the edges.

I have put aside the cause to think about later. I can't think about it without stepping off the edge again, so what I'm doing is focusing on the abstract. The biggest question currently is, am I happy on my own? When I say I'm not looking for a relationship, is that just a placeholder, or does it actually mean that I would consider turning down a relationship in favor of staying single?

Oddly, I think the answer is yes. It seems consistent; when I think about the various aspects of having an intimate committed relationship, I feel like I don't really want that right now. I say oddly because I have never felt that way in my life -- this is so strange that I have to keep poking at the answers, but they don't change. I know that the positive aspects tend to smooth over the rest, at least in a good relationship, but I'm not craving those. I've said that if one dropped into my lap (as it did at least a couple of other times) I wouldn't say no, but I'm really not that interested at the moment. It feels right but my mind says wrong, and I need to iron that out.

I still feel a little wobbly internally, so I want to revisit it later; I don't know how shaky I'll be tomorrow. I want to be really solid in my understanding before I do anything else.

Everthing comes with a cost, and I suppose this is the price of having a custom-built personality.
torquill: Doctor Wilson, thoughtful (wilson)
A particular subject has worn a groove into my brain. That subject is hayeswise.

Not so much burbling as musing )
torquill: Sarah Jane Smith walking away from the TARDIS, forlorn (Sarah Jane)
This is probably going to get reposted to Tumblr, because it's personal-political.

A Chronic Fatigue/ME rally as a watershed moment )
torquill: Sarah Jane Smith walking away from the TARDIS, forlorn (Sarah Jane)
The trouble with getting involved in social justice is that you start to learn the scripts that people use.

Self-development and its impact on relationships )
torquill: Tea cures all ills (tea)
How is it that simply calling the Social Security Administration to make an appointment is enough to make me feel like crap?

Don't answer that. I know the reason... I still haven't expunged the creeping feeling that by applying for permanent disability I'm giving up and admitting failure. It doesn't matter that asking me to work a 40-hour week is equivalent to asking a paraplegic to dance a waltz -- the conditioning I've had my whole life, around work ethics and capabilities and what makes a person worthwhile, is all acting like a horrible swamp full of trash that sucks at my self esteem.

I deserve to be able to live without trading my health for money. The fact that I'm reliant on others is not through any fault of mine, and I shouldn't be ashamed of it. Most people don't have a full-time job of just keeping their bodies going.

I'll keep saying these things to myself, and maybe I won't be a complete wreck by the time my appointment comes around. If I am, well, my therapy appointment is that afternoon. We'll see on August 2.
torquill: Tea cures all ills (tea)
I thought I was past this.

Finding that not all the land mines have been defused )
torquill: Doctor Wilson, thoughtful (wilson)
I told my therapist that I've had a lifetime of falling through the cracks, of not fitting into any of the boxes. Forever a square peg. )
torquill: Sarah Jane Smith walking away from the TARDIS, forlorn (Sarah Jane)
I watched "Captain America: Civil War". This is very mildly spoilery -- mostly little details and vague over-arching themes.
This is what it feels like to have your heart torn out )
torquill: Sarah Jane Smith walking away from the TARDIS, forlorn (Sarah Jane)
My dreams lately seem designed to break my heart.

Missed potential and dreams of the future )
torquill: Doctor Wilson, thoughtful (wilson)
Something broke loose about twenty minutes ago, and I just started crying. Sitting at my computer, nothing happening except the mental echoes of a TV episode I had just finished, and a thoughtful comment about the underlying psychology of play parties on my Facebook feed. And suddenly I was crying.

I let it happen. I'm not afraid of that sort of flood now; I know I won't wash away, and the torrent will be finite. I even knew something of why it was happening, though I'm still a little unsure of the details. I can guess, but that's all it is, because Amy doesn't have words for issues as complex and hugely simple as these.

Life lessons from fictional characters )
torquill: Doctor Wilson, thoughtful (wilson)
I just figured out the source of my current calm. It's the feeling I get when I've nailed a diagnosis. I may still turn out to be wrong, but given the information currently available, I have come up with an explanation which not only includes all the symptoms, but is also not contradicted in any way by the evidence. It's up to someone with fresh information to try to disprove it.

I'm grateful, because my professional confidence is hard to shake, and gives me a degree of equanimity in a situation where I would otherwise be very distressed. I'm sure it will help me with the doctor, and it's keeping my anxiety under control until then.
torquill: Doctor Wilson, thoughtful (wilson)
I'm getting my arm twisted.

I had already decided I should start practicing harp more (so that I look like I might actually know how to play the instruments I build), but when I discovered that suddenly I can do chords (!) Amy perked up and I spent the evening mapping out chord progressions for "Bring a Torch, Jeanette" and writing them down. So that was pretty cool.*

When I decided it was time to put the harp down and go to bed, I asked Amy whether she was satisfied, and she said yes -- but immediately reminded me I'm not off the hook for my promise to bake things, which I haven't managed to do today or yesterday. I'll try to do it tomorrow. She wants cinnamon rolls and marshmallow fluff, and when somebody posted about cupcakes she suddenly decided she wants cupcakes too. We'll see whether that craving is still there tomorrow (if so, I'll need to go buy some frosting, or enough butter to make my own). I got the feeling she's more likely to want bread or tortillas, though, as she wants the tactile feel of dough. With the rain we've had today, I can spare the time; nothing is going to be dry enough to walk on for a couple of days.


* I have no idea where I got chord skills from. I was struggling to do basic triads last time I played anything -- I usually just do single bassline notes -- and I still can't pick them in sequence, but my fingers suddenly knew how to select three strings and strum them, with reasonably even sounding most of the time. I even uncovered some skill for "hearing" the next chord based on the melody line, which let me build progressions. I used to write simple music once upon a time, so it's not entirely foreign, but I'm finding myself playing around with inverted chords and sevenths quite naturally. It's odd.

I'll have to disassemble the harp to make some modifications and help with the design of the next generation, but I may want to delay just a little longer so that I can ride the current wave of skill development.
torquill: Tea cures all ills (tea)
There are days I feel like I've come a very long way. Amy had a bit of a breakdown yesterday, with the first "I don't recognize who I am anymore" reaction in months. I got through it okay. It wasn't that bad.

It's the days when I realize I have to give myself permission -- explicit, repeated permission -- to eat six pieces of toast, because I'm hungry, that I realize I still have a lot to work on.
torquill: Doctor Wilson, thoughtful (wilson)
It feels strange to be single.

Living in the weird )
torquill: Doctor Wilson, thoughtful (wilson)
I can still feel changes under the surface.

Moving through the underworld )

Changing my sense of scale )

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