Feb. 3rd, 2017

torquill: The devourer of worlds is not impressed. (devourer)
Sometimes I can be an idiot, and I end up second-guessing myself. The trick, as now, is in determining whether I was an idiot to start with, or an idiot for second-guessing.

I managed to fall off the edge of myself for the first time since August. I'm mostly done with the reconstruction work now, and it gets easier each time, but it's been a long night. Every time it happens, I panic, sheer blind fear. Last time I was at a party and couldn't run, so I retreated into my mind instead. This time I was in the car, so I ran. All it took was from Orinda to the end of Marsh Creek Road; by the time I turned around at Los Vaqueros I was mostly numb, and starting to heal the damage. I had something to eat and made tea, focusing on self-care. Now I'm well into processing, with most of Sam back in place, and some tentative framing at the edges.

I have put aside the cause to think about later. I can't think about it without stepping off the edge again, so what I'm doing is focusing on the abstract. The biggest question currently is, am I happy on my own? When I say I'm not looking for a relationship, is that just a placeholder, or does it actually mean that I would consider turning down a relationship in favor of staying single?

Oddly, I think the answer is yes. It seems consistent; when I think about the various aspects of having an intimate committed relationship, I feel like I don't really want that right now. I say oddly because I have never felt that way in my life -- this is so strange that I have to keep poking at the answers, but they don't change. I know that the positive aspects tend to smooth over the rest, at least in a good relationship, but I'm not craving those. I've said that if one dropped into my lap (as it did at least a couple of other times) I wouldn't say no, but I'm really not that interested at the moment. It feels right but my mind says wrong, and I need to iron that out.

I still feel a little wobbly internally, so I want to revisit it later; I don't know how shaky I'll be tomorrow. I want to be really solid in my understanding before I do anything else.

Everthing comes with a cost, and I suppose this is the price of having a custom-built personality.

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Torquill

June 2017

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