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torquillI think I'm starting to adapt somewhat to my new physical limitations. I'm feeling less stupid, anyway. That probably means that less of my brainpower is devoted to basic crap like "being able to see" and I have more available for actual thinking.
I'm still cold, and food doesn't seem to help that like it did last year. I spent 90 minutes this morning alternately fighting to get out of bed and dozing off because my commands to move failed and I got worn out. I did eventually power through the paralysis long enough to get up and take some B6. I feel like my adrenal glands are getting abused, though.
My vision hasn't improved, but I've gotten better at compensating. I'm no longer getting horrible eyestrain headaches, unless I drive too much. I'm not fighting to see more than a small area at a time, and my interpretation of that spot is almost as accurate as it used to be; I'm also not getting such weird translations of what's in my peripheral field. (Mostly I'm not getting much translation at all, just light and dark, which is fine.)
I can't read large blocks of text well, as I need the lines separate enough that my eyes can't skip between them at random. Likewise, I can't count items without placeholders (like lines, seeds, or stitches), where I used to be able to reliably count hundreds of them. I can't spell long words from memory, as my mental eye loses track just like my physical eye does. I can't visualize things in fine detail anymore, particularly if I'm having to use my eyes for anything at the time. I can still do visual subtraction, the skill of eliminating one item from what I see, but visual addition is sketchy (visualizing a puzzle piece which would fit, for example). So I can prune trees and bushes, but I can't make sculptures out of cardboard.
All of this is a fascinating insight into the division of labor between the eye, the optic nerve bundle, and the analytical parts of the brain, and I'd enjoy this experiment a lot more if I weren't so terrified that I'll never get full function back. I have an MRI scheduled for Monday, and that will hopefully show something. My biggest fear is not a tumor or stroke, but that it will come up utterly clean.
Speaking of anxiety, I also have a therapist appointment on Tuesday, which will hopefully help with some of the emotional stress. As my ability to think improves, it takes more and more effort to distract myself from the implications of what's happening to me, and I don't have an emotional support network anymore. Being able to unload on somebody on a regular basis would help a lot.
I'm still cold, and food doesn't seem to help that like it did last year. I spent 90 minutes this morning alternately fighting to get out of bed and dozing off because my commands to move failed and I got worn out. I did eventually power through the paralysis long enough to get up and take some B6. I feel like my adrenal glands are getting abused, though.
My vision hasn't improved, but I've gotten better at compensating. I'm no longer getting horrible eyestrain headaches, unless I drive too much. I'm not fighting to see more than a small area at a time, and my interpretation of that spot is almost as accurate as it used to be; I'm also not getting such weird translations of what's in my peripheral field. (Mostly I'm not getting much translation at all, just light and dark, which is fine.)
I can't read large blocks of text well, as I need the lines separate enough that my eyes can't skip between them at random. Likewise, I can't count items without placeholders (like lines, seeds, or stitches), where I used to be able to reliably count hundreds of them. I can't spell long words from memory, as my mental eye loses track just like my physical eye does. I can't visualize things in fine detail anymore, particularly if I'm having to use my eyes for anything at the time. I can still do visual subtraction, the skill of eliminating one item from what I see, but visual addition is sketchy (visualizing a puzzle piece which would fit, for example). So I can prune trees and bushes, but I can't make sculptures out of cardboard.
All of this is a fascinating insight into the division of labor between the eye, the optic nerve bundle, and the analytical parts of the brain, and I'd enjoy this experiment a lot more if I weren't so terrified that I'll never get full function back. I have an MRI scheduled for Monday, and that will hopefully show something. My biggest fear is not a tumor or stroke, but that it will come up utterly clean.
Speaking of anxiety, I also have a therapist appointment on Tuesday, which will hopefully help with some of the emotional stress. As my ability to think improves, it takes more and more effort to distract myself from the implications of what's happening to me, and I don't have an emotional support network anymore. Being able to unload on somebody on a regular basis would help a lot.
