The undiscovered country
Nov. 27th, 2015 23:24![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
torquillIt feels strange to be single.
I haven't been without a significant romantic attachment in nearly sixteen years, so part of the strangeness is simple unfamiliarity. I'm accustomed to having someone to give random affectionate caresses to, for example. I've gotten used to sleeping alone, but snuggling has become a rare treat.
Part of me feels like I should be sad. Some of that is social custom, which dictates that being part of a couple is always better. It says I'm missing out on Fun Stuff -- and I know there are people who just make me feel better by being nearby, and I feel happier than when I'm by myself. But I still remember a lot of the stress and frustration of my past relationships, which tempers that somewhat. And, when it comes right down to it, I don't feel sad about it. I'm not actually lonely, and that's causing a little cognitive dissonance.
Some of this is quest-completion confusion. A lot of how I relate to other people used to be shaped around finding the right person who could help me, and now that it's over and done with, I'm sort of aimless. I'm not accustomed to not needing anyone. I'm not entirely sure what I want out of a relationship anymore, romantic or otherwise.
I'm worried on some level that there's something wrong, or that I'll get to a point where I won't be able to let anyone in anymore. That's silly every time I look at it, but I understand it nonetheless: it's a result of being a radically different person than I used to be, and the unfamiliar reactions I'm having tend to be a bit anxiety-inducing. My old patterns of pain and coping were stressful, but they were familiar, and breaking out of that... well, it's been hard to relax.
I have time to work through this, as I'm not ready to stop being single. I feel like I have a lot of stuff to look forward to, but I'm not cooked yet, and my instincts tell me to stay put. Maybe when singledom stops feeling strange, I'll know I've gotten somewhere. For now, to paraphrase a friend (who was speaking about something else), I'm just trying to sit with the weird, and hoping it'll become less weird.
I haven't been without a significant romantic attachment in nearly sixteen years, so part of the strangeness is simple unfamiliarity. I'm accustomed to having someone to give random affectionate caresses to, for example. I've gotten used to sleeping alone, but snuggling has become a rare treat.
Part of me feels like I should be sad. Some of that is social custom, which dictates that being part of a couple is always better. It says I'm missing out on Fun Stuff -- and I know there are people who just make me feel better by being nearby, and I feel happier than when I'm by myself. But I still remember a lot of the stress and frustration of my past relationships, which tempers that somewhat. And, when it comes right down to it, I don't feel sad about it. I'm not actually lonely, and that's causing a little cognitive dissonance.
Some of this is quest-completion confusion. A lot of how I relate to other people used to be shaped around finding the right person who could help me, and now that it's over and done with, I'm sort of aimless. I'm not accustomed to not needing anyone. I'm not entirely sure what I want out of a relationship anymore, romantic or otherwise.
I'm worried on some level that there's something wrong, or that I'll get to a point where I won't be able to let anyone in anymore. That's silly every time I look at it, but I understand it nonetheless: it's a result of being a radically different person than I used to be, and the unfamiliar reactions I'm having tend to be a bit anxiety-inducing. My old patterns of pain and coping were stressful, but they were familiar, and breaking out of that... well, it's been hard to relax.
I have time to work through this, as I'm not ready to stop being single. I feel like I have a lot of stuff to look forward to, but I'm not cooked yet, and my instincts tell me to stay put. Maybe when singledom stops feeling strange, I'll know I've gotten somewhere. For now, to paraphrase a friend (who was speaking about something else), I'm just trying to sit with the weird, and hoping it'll become less weird.
no subject
Date: 2015-11-29 01:00 (UTC)