I think I've graduated
Oct. 20th, 2015 18:58![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
torquillI feel like a fuckin' Jedi, man.
First, I was able to do the "You're not critical to my well-being" talk with an old and dear friend of mine, easing his mind considerably because he worried that he wouldn't be able to give me what I needed in a relationship. And I meant it. I felt perfectly capable of dealing with any missteps he might make, because none of them would really, truly hurt me. Inconvenience me, sure, but that's a matter of logistics -- I don't depend on anybody but myself these days for my happiness and peace of mind. So there's that.
My mind is clear enough these days, and my skills have been honed over most of a year, such that I'm really an empath now. I've always been sensitive to what's going on under the surface with most people, but I was able to read my friend's state of mind more than once, and able to tell (without physical cues) when he was asleep, awake, or somewhere in-between. I was able to tell what his thought patterns were like in a half-waking state. I may not be able to read minds -- I have to rely on my profiling skills for that -- but I am starting to learn how to distinguish between different emotional states and patterns of thought without doing more than opening up and looking.
I'm also more receptive than I used to be. Nearly half of my sexual interest last night was picked up wholesale from him. He's not even a projective type (no more than average).
Sex with a new partner after a great deal of anticipation can be intense, especially if you've formed expectations leading up to it. I found myself getting wound up without my usual outlets (different partner, different ways of playing) to the point where I could feel it turning overwhelming, even negative... and every time, before it really interfered or turned into a runaway condition, I found myself breathing with it, relaxing into it, letting the frustration dissipate. I started doing it moments before I was even fully aware that I was getting into a bad state of mind. It turned what could have been a breakdown (or several of them) into a momentary refocusing exercise. And I didn't even have to think about it.
This, after years of battling the black beast under control and crying whether I succeeded or failed, just because it hurt so much to keep my emotions from taking over. After years -- and especially the last few months -- of hitting landmines that would make me burst into tears in the middle of sex. Years of being afraid of sex because it was scary and intense and dangerous. Years of wanting each partner so badly that it tore me to pieces before I could ever get the nerve up to approach them. Now the beast is gone, and it's just a matter of breathing, as automatic as squinting in bright sun.
It was probably, overall, the best first-time experience I've had with anyone, simply because my mental state was so calm most of the time. I was excited and apprehensive, but it was pretty far down under the calm. I was very, very hungry for him, but I was able to focus and direct through it. I felt in control of my emotions simply because they weren't in the way -- and when they threatened to take over, my reflexive mental jiu-jitsu just redirected them.
I'm telling you -- just give me my light saber.
First, I was able to do the "You're not critical to my well-being" talk with an old and dear friend of mine, easing his mind considerably because he worried that he wouldn't be able to give me what I needed in a relationship. And I meant it. I felt perfectly capable of dealing with any missteps he might make, because none of them would really, truly hurt me. Inconvenience me, sure, but that's a matter of logistics -- I don't depend on anybody but myself these days for my happiness and peace of mind. So there's that.
My mind is clear enough these days, and my skills have been honed over most of a year, such that I'm really an empath now. I've always been sensitive to what's going on under the surface with most people, but I was able to read my friend's state of mind more than once, and able to tell (without physical cues) when he was asleep, awake, or somewhere in-between. I was able to tell what his thought patterns were like in a half-waking state. I may not be able to read minds -- I have to rely on my profiling skills for that -- but I am starting to learn how to distinguish between different emotional states and patterns of thought without doing more than opening up and looking.
I'm also more receptive than I used to be. Nearly half of my sexual interest last night was picked up wholesale from him. He's not even a projective type (no more than average).
Sex with a new partner after a great deal of anticipation can be intense, especially if you've formed expectations leading up to it. I found myself getting wound up without my usual outlets (different partner, different ways of playing) to the point where I could feel it turning overwhelming, even negative... and every time, before it really interfered or turned into a runaway condition, I found myself breathing with it, relaxing into it, letting the frustration dissipate. I started doing it moments before I was even fully aware that I was getting into a bad state of mind. It turned what could have been a breakdown (or several of them) into a momentary refocusing exercise. And I didn't even have to think about it.
This, after years of battling the black beast under control and crying whether I succeeded or failed, just because it hurt so much to keep my emotions from taking over. After years -- and especially the last few months -- of hitting landmines that would make me burst into tears in the middle of sex. Years of being afraid of sex because it was scary and intense and dangerous. Years of wanting each partner so badly that it tore me to pieces before I could ever get the nerve up to approach them. Now the beast is gone, and it's just a matter of breathing, as automatic as squinting in bright sun.
It was probably, overall, the best first-time experience I've had with anyone, simply because my mental state was so calm most of the time. I was excited and apprehensive, but it was pretty far down under the calm. I was very, very hungry for him, but I was able to focus and direct through it. I felt in control of my emotions simply because they weren't in the way -- and when they threatened to take over, my reflexive mental jiu-jitsu just redirected them.
I'm telling you -- just give me my light saber.
no subject
Date: 2015-10-21 16:14 (UTC)