It's an old game of Breakout
Aug. 27th, 2015 23:39![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
torquillI've got the papers ready to go off to Social Security and MediCal tomorrow.
Akien mentioned that I've been much quicker to do the legal name change than he was. There are a couple of reasons for that; the simply logistical one is that, since 9/11, it takes a court order to change my name in roughly 2/3 of the places I encounter it. Banks, credit cards, my driver's license, my business license, my health records -- all of these require formal documentation. 20 years ago you could change half of those just by asking them to put a different name down.
The more personal reason is that I think the differential (at any given point, not overall) between my old self and my new self is greater for me than it was for him. He went at the shift gradually, but I took a mad leap in a short space of time. I don't have all that gradual work to support me; more of my identity hangs off of my perception of who I am at any given moment, as I get used to the new reality. Contradictions of that perception -- such as referring to me by a name that belongs to a person whom I am actively learning not to be -- break my concentration, as it were. It's like being in the middle of a live-action role playing game and referring to another player by their out-of-game name. It's jarring, and in my case, disconcerting, and sabotages my self-assurance.
I would much rather be misgendered than dead-named. Thus the rush to try and get my old name out of my daily space. The proof is in the relief I feel with every agency I settle it with, every document I get with my new name on it. It matters. It isn't this important for many trans people, but I changed personalities before I changed my gender. If I take care of the one, the other will be easier.
Akien mentioned that I've been much quicker to do the legal name change than he was. There are a couple of reasons for that; the simply logistical one is that, since 9/11, it takes a court order to change my name in roughly 2/3 of the places I encounter it. Banks, credit cards, my driver's license, my business license, my health records -- all of these require formal documentation. 20 years ago you could change half of those just by asking them to put a different name down.
The more personal reason is that I think the differential (at any given point, not overall) between my old self and my new self is greater for me than it was for him. He went at the shift gradually, but I took a mad leap in a short space of time. I don't have all that gradual work to support me; more of my identity hangs off of my perception of who I am at any given moment, as I get used to the new reality. Contradictions of that perception -- such as referring to me by a name that belongs to a person whom I am actively learning not to be -- break my concentration, as it were. It's like being in the middle of a live-action role playing game and referring to another player by their out-of-game name. It's jarring, and in my case, disconcerting, and sabotages my self-assurance.
I would much rather be misgendered than dead-named. Thus the rush to try and get my old name out of my daily space. The proof is in the relief I feel with every agency I settle it with, every document I get with my new name on it. It matters. It isn't this important for many trans people, but I changed personalities before I changed my gender. If I take care of the one, the other will be easier.
no subject
Date: 2015-08-28 15:30 (UTC)