Marking time
Aug. 2nd, 2015 12:14![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
torquillHello again, depression.
I'm not sure whether this is mostly hormonal; I'm not sure it matters. My hormonal state isn't helping, though. I'm falling down a lot on self-care, particularly around food -- the hormones are making me queasy all the time, so that food strikes me as either unappealing or downright disgusting. Eating is annoying and complicated, and I'd really rather not deal with it. So I don't.
Not eating doesn't adversely impact my health long term. In fact, if I go out and work vigorously (think three hours with the mattock, removing brush) I lose some of the weight that I put on this spring, without crashing or feeling anything more than a bit fuzzy. I've lost at least three kilos already. That provides an added incentive to just skip lunch and go work on labor-intensive stuff while I still feel decent. I'm telling myself that the weight doesn't usually matter when I'm in good health, but when I feel crappy, it would be good not to have it slowing me down. I'm not sure I believe that's my primary motive.
Mindless work also lets me escape. I dreamt last night that I found out I'd be able to go to the Burn after all, and I got really relieved and excited. Then I woke up, and cried most of the morning. Burning Man has been such a huge part of my life for so many years that it's really breaking my heart to stay home.
So I go out, put on an audio drama, pick up the mattock, and tune out for a while. I guess there are worse coping mechanisms.
I'm not sure how long I have before the detente between my birth control and my uterus dissolves, but I guess I'll try to get as much done as I can before I'm laid low by blood loss again. We'll see what happens.
I'm not sure whether this is mostly hormonal; I'm not sure it matters. My hormonal state isn't helping, though. I'm falling down a lot on self-care, particularly around food -- the hormones are making me queasy all the time, so that food strikes me as either unappealing or downright disgusting. Eating is annoying and complicated, and I'd really rather not deal with it. So I don't.
Not eating doesn't adversely impact my health long term. In fact, if I go out and work vigorously (think three hours with the mattock, removing brush) I lose some of the weight that I put on this spring, without crashing or feeling anything more than a bit fuzzy. I've lost at least three kilos already. That provides an added incentive to just skip lunch and go work on labor-intensive stuff while I still feel decent. I'm telling myself that the weight doesn't usually matter when I'm in good health, but when I feel crappy, it would be good not to have it slowing me down. I'm not sure I believe that's my primary motive.
Mindless work also lets me escape. I dreamt last night that I found out I'd be able to go to the Burn after all, and I got really relieved and excited. Then I woke up, and cried most of the morning. Burning Man has been such a huge part of my life for so many years that it's really breaking my heart to stay home.
So I go out, put on an audio drama, pick up the mattock, and tune out for a while. I guess there are worse coping mechanisms.
I'm not sure how long I have before the detente between my birth control and my uterus dissolves, but I guess I'll try to get as much done as I can before I'm laid low by blood loss again. We'll see what happens.
