Finding the middle
Jun. 4th, 2015 15:56![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
torquillWell, my health has temporarily tanked (little did I know that this year's Cherry Buckskin Survey would make me sick for a week), but I think I'm happier with myself.
My hair has realized that it's short now and has doubled its curliness. I suppose that was to be expected, but it means I'll have to use some kind of product to keep it in any sort of order... I'll try to pick up something from Lush tomorrow. We'll see what works with what my hair wants to do now.
More notable, though -- despite my constant fidgeting with my hair -- is that when I look in the mirror it almost looks like me. I'm still a little on the femme side, but the haircut has made a big difference, and even my femme features seem more acceptable within a more butch look. I also like that I look more like fun: more spontaneous, more adventurous, more open. I'm trying to cultivate interactions like that.
My body dysphoria seems to run in phases, so I'm not sure whether it's gone or just dormant, but I seem to be managing my gender dysphoria with the binder and clothing choices for the most part. I'm feeling more comfortable with what I have to work with. I noted that the only thing missing from my upper body, when I was posing in the mirror with my binder on, was a little bit of chest hair at the top. I'm totally fine not having chest hair -- like really, really fine with not having it -- but it did tell me how close to the male side of things I'm managing to get.
I like being in the middle. I'm getting increasingly more comfortable with being in the middle. I'm grateful that the people around me have been allowing me to seek and stay in that middle ground. And I think that I can pull it off while still being visually and emotionally appealing. That feels pretty satisfying.
My hair has realized that it's short now and has doubled its curliness. I suppose that was to be expected, but it means I'll have to use some kind of product to keep it in any sort of order... I'll try to pick up something from Lush tomorrow. We'll see what works with what my hair wants to do now.
More notable, though -- despite my constant fidgeting with my hair -- is that when I look in the mirror it almost looks like me. I'm still a little on the femme side, but the haircut has made a big difference, and even my femme features seem more acceptable within a more butch look. I also like that I look more like fun: more spontaneous, more adventurous, more open. I'm trying to cultivate interactions like that.
My body dysphoria seems to run in phases, so I'm not sure whether it's gone or just dormant, but I seem to be managing my gender dysphoria with the binder and clothing choices for the most part. I'm feeling more comfortable with what I have to work with. I noted that the only thing missing from my upper body, when I was posing in the mirror with my binder on, was a little bit of chest hair at the top. I'm totally fine not having chest hair -- like really, really fine with not having it -- but it did tell me how close to the male side of things I'm managing to get.
I like being in the middle. I'm getting increasingly more comfortable with being in the middle. I'm grateful that the people around me have been allowing me to seek and stay in that middle ground. And I think that I can pull it off while still being visually and emotionally appealing. That feels pretty satisfying.
