Fun with spam calls!
Feb. 26th, 2015 10:43![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
torquillThis morning, while waking up, I entertained myself by devising responses to scam and telemarketing calls.
My (loose) criteria are that 1) I don't want to alarm them enough that they call 911; 2) no abusing the poor sod on the other end of the phone, even if I do want to believe that they have other options for employment; 3) if I can, I want the number flagged as incorrect/unavailable so that they don't call again. (Or I want them sufficiently weirded out that they flag it because they don't want to call again.)
I came up with the paranoid last night: "Is this Mrs. Stewart?" "....I can't tell you that." "What?" "I can't... how did you know I was here? How did you get this number?" "I'm just calling about--" "They're looking for me. I know they are. Maggie says they aren't, but I know they're coming for me, and-- What was that?" "What?" "There's that scratching noise... in the wall... It's them, I know it is. I have to go, I have to..." *click*
A classic, if I'm at the computer: wait for them to come on the line and play a fax screech.
And an old favorite: make a sound so that they say "Hello?" and respond cheerily, "Thank you for calling The Song of the Day!" Then cue my music player or youtube to play something by TMBG and put the handset down. If not at my computer, simply start singing "The Scotsman" and refuse to stop until they hang up.
In a similar vein, when they say "Hello?" cue a youtube clip of a numbers station and put the handset down.
For full spy-mode, respond with "Yes?"
"Is this Mrs. Stewart?"
"The weather is very nice today."
No matter how they respond, go straight to "Is this a secure line?"
"What?"
"Is this line encrypted?"
"...No."
"You idiot. They're listening to us right now." [beat] "They'll be coming for you; protect yourself." *click*
I also have the Telemarketer Counterscript, which is built to turn the conversation on its head.
I'm out of practice, but I bet if I tried I could still go full Duchess Luna Torquill on them -- I've never quite managed to master circular breathing, but my years on brass did teach me how to sip air in such a way that it seems like I never pause for breath. Luna once bent some fellow's ear for over five minutes straight before he gave up in disgust, and it should be even easier over the phone.
I could also pick one word and respond with it no matter what they say (the "I am Groot" effect). "Bacon" would be a good choice. So would "Rhubarb".
At one point, when I wanted to see how the Windows Virus Scam operated, I played Cathy Clueless, a middle-aged woman who didn't know computers much at all and was very worried about the whole thing. I ate up 45 minutes with a rep and two managers by doing everything they said -- in a Ubuntu VM. They never clued in that it wasn't Windows. (It turns out that if they can't load their malware onto your computer, they give you instructions for how to send them $500 by Western Union. I got an urgent call before I could find out where to send it to.)
If I'm bored, I could play someone with no short-term memory... ask their name, chat cheerfully with them for a moment or two, then after they start their spiel and pause, start over with asking their name and trying to chat with them. I wonder how long that would go on for.
That should keep them busy for a while...
My (loose) criteria are that 1) I don't want to alarm them enough that they call 911; 2) no abusing the poor sod on the other end of the phone, even if I do want to believe that they have other options for employment; 3) if I can, I want the number flagged as incorrect/unavailable so that they don't call again. (Or I want them sufficiently weirded out that they flag it because they don't want to call again.)
I came up with the paranoid last night: "Is this Mrs. Stewart?" "....I can't tell you that." "What?" "I can't... how did you know I was here? How did you get this number?" "I'm just calling about--" "They're looking for me. I know they are. Maggie says they aren't, but I know they're coming for me, and-- What was that?" "What?" "There's that scratching noise... in the wall... It's them, I know it is. I have to go, I have to..." *click*
A classic, if I'm at the computer: wait for them to come on the line and play a fax screech.
And an old favorite: make a sound so that they say "Hello?" and respond cheerily, "Thank you for calling The Song of the Day!" Then cue my music player or youtube to play something by TMBG and put the handset down. If not at my computer, simply start singing "The Scotsman" and refuse to stop until they hang up.
In a similar vein, when they say "Hello?" cue a youtube clip of a numbers station and put the handset down.
For full spy-mode, respond with "Yes?"
"Is this Mrs. Stewart?"
"The weather is very nice today."
No matter how they respond, go straight to "Is this a secure line?"
"What?"
"Is this line encrypted?"
"...No."
"You idiot. They're listening to us right now." [beat] "They'll be coming for you; protect yourself." *click*
I also have the Telemarketer Counterscript, which is built to turn the conversation on its head.
I'm out of practice, but I bet if I tried I could still go full Duchess Luna Torquill on them -- I've never quite managed to master circular breathing, but my years on brass did teach me how to sip air in such a way that it seems like I never pause for breath. Luna once bent some fellow's ear for over five minutes straight before he gave up in disgust, and it should be even easier over the phone.
I could also pick one word and respond with it no matter what they say (the "I am Groot" effect). "Bacon" would be a good choice. So would "Rhubarb".
At one point, when I wanted to see how the Windows Virus Scam operated, I played Cathy Clueless, a middle-aged woman who didn't know computers much at all and was very worried about the whole thing. I ate up 45 minutes with a rep and two managers by doing everything they said -- in a Ubuntu VM. They never clued in that it wasn't Windows. (It turns out that if they can't load their malware onto your computer, they give you instructions for how to send them $500 by Western Union. I got an urgent call before I could find out where to send it to.)
If I'm bored, I could play someone with no short-term memory... ask their name, chat cheerfully with them for a moment or two, then after they start their spiel and pause, start over with asking their name and trying to chat with them. I wonder how long that would go on for.
That should keep them busy for a while...
