Solid ground
Feb. 11th, 2015 11:36![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
torquillI seem to have hit the other side of my latest redefinition. It took four months (which is an incredibly short time even for me), but I have been rebuilding my mental geography almost from scratch. My old identity disintegrated in November, and I've been walking a very narrow bridge to the other side since then. It's been pretty rough.
Late last week I finally decided that I wasn't going to be able to become the person I wanted via incremental changes. I just had too much old baggage, habits, and hangups that all fed off each other. So I looked at my skill set and said, "What would happen if life were a LARP -- a live-action role-playing game -- and I could create a character who could be comfortable in it?"
Thus, I tossed all my assumptions and made a character to play. Then I started playing her in everyday situations. And, lo and behold, life was WAY EASIER. I could strike up conversations with strangers. I could brush off unfortunate incidents. I no longer feel weird about taking what I need, or what my body looks like, or what people think of me. I finally have the confidence I wanted. I still care about important stuff, like bills and keeping my promises and maintaining my health, but even those things are easier now that I'm not spending all my energy on the trivial crap that doesn't matter anymore. The character I'm playing didn't go through all the trauma, so I just sidestep that baggage too.
This is, incidentally, whatakienm did years ago when he adopted the persona he played at Faire. I didn't set out to do it myself, though I was aware that it was an option. At a certain point, it simply made sense to try it.
The character is still under construction, and will be for a bit. I'm also working on getting my appearance into line with hers, since outward features tend to anchor me in character. Thus the dye job. I'm going for a more masculine presentation, as she's closer to the middle of the gender spectrum; I've basically stopped trying to be a "girl". I'm giving up women's clothing (except perhaps for very rare occasions) and taking more care with my appearance. Once I get a little cash (it looks like about $200 all told) I'll be going back to contact lenses. Every bit of this is to make *me* more comfortable; how other people react to it is of very little concern to me these days. I actually laugh when I consider that I could be accurately called a transvestite. At least women can cross-dress without getting more than the occasional double-take.
I still identify as a heterosexual woman, though I had given myself permission to explore whatever made me most comfortable. I find that taking on a more masculine character sheds a more positive light on many of my characteristics, such as my large frame and strength. I'm also taking a surprising amount of glee in the knowledge that, barring some strange incident, I won't have to deal with women's clothing sizes EVER AGAIN. It's a hassle for women of average size, and if you're in "plus sizes" and don't love shopping it can be an utter nightmare.
So if you notice that I seem more relaxed and confident, and I manage to ask or answer uncomfortable questions without an attack of nerves, I'm in character. I'll spend most of my time in character until it stops being "in character". Then it'll be on to the next thing.
Late last week I finally decided that I wasn't going to be able to become the person I wanted via incremental changes. I just had too much old baggage, habits, and hangups that all fed off each other. So I looked at my skill set and said, "What would happen if life were a LARP -- a live-action role-playing game -- and I could create a character who could be comfortable in it?"
Thus, I tossed all my assumptions and made a character to play. Then I started playing her in everyday situations. And, lo and behold, life was WAY EASIER. I could strike up conversations with strangers. I could brush off unfortunate incidents. I no longer feel weird about taking what I need, or what my body looks like, or what people think of me. I finally have the confidence I wanted. I still care about important stuff, like bills and keeping my promises and maintaining my health, but even those things are easier now that I'm not spending all my energy on the trivial crap that doesn't matter anymore. The character I'm playing didn't go through all the trauma, so I just sidestep that baggage too.
This is, incidentally, what
akienm did years ago when he adopted the persona he played at Faire. I didn't set out to do it myself, though I was aware that it was an option. At a certain point, it simply made sense to try it.The character is still under construction, and will be for a bit. I'm also working on getting my appearance into line with hers, since outward features tend to anchor me in character. Thus the dye job. I'm going for a more masculine presentation, as she's closer to the middle of the gender spectrum; I've basically stopped trying to be a "girl". I'm giving up women's clothing (except perhaps for very rare occasions) and taking more care with my appearance. Once I get a little cash (it looks like about $200 all told) I'll be going back to contact lenses. Every bit of this is to make *me* more comfortable; how other people react to it is of very little concern to me these days. I actually laugh when I consider that I could be accurately called a transvestite. At least women can cross-dress without getting more than the occasional double-take.
I still identify as a heterosexual woman, though I had given myself permission to explore whatever made me most comfortable. I find that taking on a more masculine character sheds a more positive light on many of my characteristics, such as my large frame and strength. I'm also taking a surprising amount of glee in the knowledge that, barring some strange incident, I won't have to deal with women's clothing sizes EVER AGAIN. It's a hassle for women of average size, and if you're in "plus sizes" and don't love shopping it can be an utter nightmare.
So if you notice that I seem more relaxed and confident, and I manage to ask or answer uncomfortable questions without an attack of nerves, I'm in character. I'll spend most of my time in character until it stops being "in character". Then it'll be on to the next thing.
no subject
Date: 2015-02-12 18:20 (UTC)news is awesome.
love you :)
no subject
Date: 2015-02-12 22:21 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-26 20:46 (UTC)