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torquill[formerly filtered to c]
I woke up, petted the cat, and drowsed. My mind drifted to him, as usual. And, for the first time, something in me woke up and looked around.
"Akien? Really?"
"Yup."
"Really. Of all people. Akien?"
"Yup."
"That's who I've hooked up with."
"Yup."
"But I barely know the guy."
"I've known him for years."
"Not well."
"Well enough."
"Well enough to tell him everything? Drop my guard? Jesus, what have I told him?"
"Pretty much everything, yeah."
"Oh god, what have I done?"
"It's okay. He won't hurt me."
"How do I know that? Sure, he acts nice and shit, but..."
"He loves me."
"Does he? Or am I just so infatuated I think he does? Where is he now?"
"Um..."
"God, the stuff he could do with what I've handed him..."
"Like what?"
"He could hurt me really badly inside."
"...and? When was the last time that happened?"
"Are you kidding? All that pain I've been carting around?"
"When was the last time someone stabbed me *deliberately*?"
[thinks]
"Well, there were those little shits in APPLE..."
"...which was ages ago..."
"And I could sense the sharks in high school, the bullies and the cool kids who were just waiting for me to let my guard down..."
"But I could tell."
"Mostly."
"And lately?"
"Well..."
"I've surrounded myself with good people for the last twenty years."
"Who have still hurt me."
"Not intentionally."
"But..."
"I'm not on the playground anymore. No one's going to mock me because I did something stupid. Or silly. Or fun."
"Right. They'll just sit back and snicker until they can drop me to the pavement in style."
"..."
"What the hell, anyway? Does he just smell that good?"
"That's beside the point."
"Fuck. There's no way to take it back, either. Repair it. I'm a sitting duck."
"I trust him."
"Really? Why? Because he petted me? Smiled and said good things? Christ, I'm gullible."
"I trust my instinct, and my gut says he's sincere. Besides, how much work would it take to construct a false front that deep and detailed?"
"With NRE pixie dust? He could hang up a tarp and call it a wall, and I'd believe it."
"This isn't NRE."
"Sure. And how clear is my judgment right now? Especially after taking a hit off that shirt. Though I have to concede, he does smell good."
"It'll be okay."
"Well, it'll have to be, since I've already fucked myself over. There are reasons I didn't fall for him earlier... way to ignore my native caution. I must have been just that desperate."
"He's different now. He was trying too hard before, that's what threw the warning flags... but he's got it worked out now."
"Suuuure."
"Oh, for fuck's sake."
The Doctor's wrong; it's not talking to yourself that's the first sign of madness. It's when you start arguing with yourself, and realize you're not able to win.
Some part of me is panicking, certain that the next step is 23 knives in the back. I can remember snippets of Akien, his voice, bits of how he looks, but not the calm and relief I get when I'm with him. It's like looking at a photograph and realizing I barely know him.
Which isn't true, I just...
...
sigh.
I woke up, petted the cat, and drowsed. My mind drifted to him, as usual. And, for the first time, something in me woke up and looked around.
"Akien? Really?"
"Yup."
"Really. Of all people. Akien?"
"Yup."
"That's who I've hooked up with."
"Yup."
"But I barely know the guy."
"I've known him for years."
"Not well."
"Well enough."
"Well enough to tell him everything? Drop my guard? Jesus, what have I told him?"
"Pretty much everything, yeah."
"Oh god, what have I done?"
"It's okay. He won't hurt me."
"How do I know that? Sure, he acts nice and shit, but..."
"He loves me."
"Does he? Or am I just so infatuated I think he does? Where is he now?"
"Um..."
"God, the stuff he could do with what I've handed him..."
"Like what?"
"He could hurt me really badly inside."
"...and? When was the last time that happened?"
"Are you kidding? All that pain I've been carting around?"
"When was the last time someone stabbed me *deliberately*?"
[thinks]
"Well, there were those little shits in APPLE..."
"...which was ages ago..."
"And I could sense the sharks in high school, the bullies and the cool kids who were just waiting for me to let my guard down..."
"But I could tell."
"Mostly."
"And lately?"
"Well..."
"I've surrounded myself with good people for the last twenty years."
"Who have still hurt me."
"Not intentionally."
"But..."
"I'm not on the playground anymore. No one's going to mock me because I did something stupid. Or silly. Or fun."
"Right. They'll just sit back and snicker until they can drop me to the pavement in style."
"..."
"What the hell, anyway? Does he just smell that good?"
"That's beside the point."
"Fuck. There's no way to take it back, either. Repair it. I'm a sitting duck."
"I trust him."
"Really? Why? Because he petted me? Smiled and said good things? Christ, I'm gullible."
"I trust my instinct, and my gut says he's sincere. Besides, how much work would it take to construct a false front that deep and detailed?"
"With NRE pixie dust? He could hang up a tarp and call it a wall, and I'd believe it."
"This isn't NRE."
"Sure. And how clear is my judgment right now? Especially after taking a hit off that shirt. Though I have to concede, he does smell good."
"It'll be okay."
"Well, it'll have to be, since I've already fucked myself over. There are reasons I didn't fall for him earlier... way to ignore my native caution. I must have been just that desperate."
"He's different now. He was trying too hard before, that's what threw the warning flags... but he's got it worked out now."
"Suuuure."
"Oh, for fuck's sake."
The Doctor's wrong; it's not talking to yourself that's the first sign of madness. It's when you start arguing with yourself, and realize you're not able to win.
Some part of me is panicking, certain that the next step is 23 knives in the back. I can remember snippets of Akien, his voice, bits of how he looks, but not the calm and relief I get when I'm with him. It's like looking at a photograph and realizing I barely know him.
Which isn't true, I just...
...
sigh.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-09 15:35 (UTC)"Yup."
"For god's sake, why?"
"Because I'm afraid to."
[headdesk]
no subject
Date: 2014-11-10 00:20 (UTC)