That next step's a doozy
Oct. 17th, 2014 23:58![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
torquill[formerly filtered to ic]
I got to do a lot of self-examination today. I also got to think a lot about the implications of it, which was even more interesting.
Essentially, it looks like my next project is going to be internal relations (again). The difference from last time is that this is not going to be a negotiation of a truce, but more like reintegration. Think East and West Germany. And if that sounds like a big job, you've got the right picture.
My emotional territory and my rational thinking territory got separated a very long time ago, very thoroughly; far more distinctly than most people ever experience. They've been in conflict ever since. (This is why I sewed a Vulcan flag a year or two ago.) My job now is to heal a bunch of the past hurts inflicted on the emotional part (and nothing hangs onto remembered pain like the emotional memory), then learn how to integrate it into my life and the rest of my psyche. This is not going to be quick, or easy, or pleasant at times.
On the upside, the benefits are pretty impressive. I suspect, given the data I have so far, that it would erase a lot of my fear. I'm not even talking survivor's fear, or fear of what my emotional animal is capable of; I'm talking the everyday fears that most people have. Fear of not fitting in. Fear of ridicule. Fear of venturing into the unknown. Fear of intimacy. The thought of being without those boggles me, but I can see that as a possible outcome.
Just think about it for a second. We live with all sorts of little fears, and don't think about what they do most of the time. What fear does is narrow our horizons, create suspicion and hatred, and make us stingy. It makes it harder to reach out, to have compassion, to love. It makes us reluctant to embrace change. It is the root of the Us vs. Them mentality, of greed, of jealousy, of absolutism. All of this stems from the collection of little fears we all carry around, even though it's most noticeable when the big fears come to light (like the Ebola scare).
Little fears are things as small and ordinary as not wanting to admit that you actually kinda like listening to Nickelback. Or not feeling like you can dress in the loud paisley shirt you bought because you liked the colors so much. Or going to a party because it's expected of you, even though you'd really rather not go. This is social pressure; fear of the consequences of going against the social code (real or imagined), and the possible consequences, affects us all.
If I lose a lot of my fear, that doesn't mean I won't have respect for those social mores. It just means I won't worry about what would happen if I bucked them. I could examine my bounds and decide, consciously, whether I want to leave them in place, whether they serve a purpose. Some do; some are for the comfort of others, and that's a good reason to leave them intact. Some make relationships much smoother. But something as personal as admitting what I love, without shame or the fear that someone will give me a label, I'd be able to do without harming anyone. Embracing change in my own life, new experiences, new friendships. Thinking beyond the bounds of my life as they stand now. That could actually make a huge difference.
A bunch of people I know have banded together to battle the fear of stigma, in order to advance social justice and awareness of things like feminism (in the broad sense). After a real look at the structure of our culture, I agree that there are a lot of things in it which hurt people, especially certain groups. Less fear means that I could challenge those things, poke holes in the paradigm so a little light can shine through. I'm not looking to tear down the world around everyone's ears, just show that there is a different way to do things, a different way to live our lives that is less harmful to ourselves and others. Think of it as social environmentalism.
I need to get rid of my own assumption that you have to be an asshole to break the rules. You don't have to be abrasive, or angry, or tear down anyone else in order to buck the system. I can understand why many people who do so *are* angry and abrasive and fed up and frustrated. But it's not a requirement. Feminists are not all bitter angry lesbians. Environmentalists are not all tree-spiking yelling vandals. It is possible to break the rules that bind me, just for me, and serve as an example to others that it can be done; if enough people do that, those rules will crumble away by natural action. I can support others who come after me, but I don't have to tear down the social structure for everyone in the process.
I think I want to start breaking the rules. Shattering assumptions. I already do that by being a geek girl with a machine shop who has a MS in hard science; I think I want to see what other rules I can break. I love trance music. I believe in the fundamental goodness of people. I have a passion -- not just a passing craze for the latest thing, but a thirty-year old ongoing section of my life -- for Doctor Who. I want to bust the ideas of "age-appropriate". I want to show people a different face for disability. I want to challenge gender norms. I want to be up-front, unashamed, and cheesy about things like love, compassion, and empathy. I want to turn grey gracefully. I want to make uncool cool.
The key to this is that I don't need the social norms, the "rules", to tell me how to behave. If I practice respect and compassion (and ethics for the abstract cases), that will get me way farther than social rules about how to treat someone you don't know who approaches you on the street. And those principles apply to myself as well as to others -- I have to treat myself with respect and compassion, and look after my own needs as well as those of others. It's possible to navigate all of those and still come out ahead, if you're not bound by "how would it look if I" and "this person might think less of me if I".
The best part: I would finally be living as myself, not as what I think other people expect of me. No more pretending, no more being an impostor. No more hiding away what I really think and feel, just a thought for how to respect others in the process. And I think, actually, I'd probably end up a pretty awesome person.
I already know I'm good enough (thank you again, love.) I already believe I'm strong enough to stand up to most hardships. I already know that I have a core of people standing behind me who support me regardless. Now I have to tackle the internal pain which hobbles me and the internal strictures which hold me back. After that... well, the Man once told me to change the world. Maybe I can.
I got to do a lot of self-examination today. I also got to think a lot about the implications of it, which was even more interesting.
Essentially, it looks like my next project is going to be internal relations (again). The difference from last time is that this is not going to be a negotiation of a truce, but more like reintegration. Think East and West Germany. And if that sounds like a big job, you've got the right picture.
My emotional territory and my rational thinking territory got separated a very long time ago, very thoroughly; far more distinctly than most people ever experience. They've been in conflict ever since. (This is why I sewed a Vulcan flag a year or two ago.) My job now is to heal a bunch of the past hurts inflicted on the emotional part (and nothing hangs onto remembered pain like the emotional memory), then learn how to integrate it into my life and the rest of my psyche. This is not going to be quick, or easy, or pleasant at times.
On the upside, the benefits are pretty impressive. I suspect, given the data I have so far, that it would erase a lot of my fear. I'm not even talking survivor's fear, or fear of what my emotional animal is capable of; I'm talking the everyday fears that most people have. Fear of not fitting in. Fear of ridicule. Fear of venturing into the unknown. Fear of intimacy. The thought of being without those boggles me, but I can see that as a possible outcome.
Just think about it for a second. We live with all sorts of little fears, and don't think about what they do most of the time. What fear does is narrow our horizons, create suspicion and hatred, and make us stingy. It makes it harder to reach out, to have compassion, to love. It makes us reluctant to embrace change. It is the root of the Us vs. Them mentality, of greed, of jealousy, of absolutism. All of this stems from the collection of little fears we all carry around, even though it's most noticeable when the big fears come to light (like the Ebola scare).
Little fears are things as small and ordinary as not wanting to admit that you actually kinda like listening to Nickelback. Or not feeling like you can dress in the loud paisley shirt you bought because you liked the colors so much. Or going to a party because it's expected of you, even though you'd really rather not go. This is social pressure; fear of the consequences of going against the social code (real or imagined), and the possible consequences, affects us all.
If I lose a lot of my fear, that doesn't mean I won't have respect for those social mores. It just means I won't worry about what would happen if I bucked them. I could examine my bounds and decide, consciously, whether I want to leave them in place, whether they serve a purpose. Some do; some are for the comfort of others, and that's a good reason to leave them intact. Some make relationships much smoother. But something as personal as admitting what I love, without shame or the fear that someone will give me a label, I'd be able to do without harming anyone. Embracing change in my own life, new experiences, new friendships. Thinking beyond the bounds of my life as they stand now. That could actually make a huge difference.
A bunch of people I know have banded together to battle the fear of stigma, in order to advance social justice and awareness of things like feminism (in the broad sense). After a real look at the structure of our culture, I agree that there are a lot of things in it which hurt people, especially certain groups. Less fear means that I could challenge those things, poke holes in the paradigm so a little light can shine through. I'm not looking to tear down the world around everyone's ears, just show that there is a different way to do things, a different way to live our lives that is less harmful to ourselves and others. Think of it as social environmentalism.
I need to get rid of my own assumption that you have to be an asshole to break the rules. You don't have to be abrasive, or angry, or tear down anyone else in order to buck the system. I can understand why many people who do so *are* angry and abrasive and fed up and frustrated. But it's not a requirement. Feminists are not all bitter angry lesbians. Environmentalists are not all tree-spiking yelling vandals. It is possible to break the rules that bind me, just for me, and serve as an example to others that it can be done; if enough people do that, those rules will crumble away by natural action. I can support others who come after me, but I don't have to tear down the social structure for everyone in the process.
I think I want to start breaking the rules. Shattering assumptions. I already do that by being a geek girl with a machine shop who has a MS in hard science; I think I want to see what other rules I can break. I love trance music. I believe in the fundamental goodness of people. I have a passion -- not just a passing craze for the latest thing, but a thirty-year old ongoing section of my life -- for Doctor Who. I want to bust the ideas of "age-appropriate". I want to show people a different face for disability. I want to challenge gender norms. I want to be up-front, unashamed, and cheesy about things like love, compassion, and empathy. I want to turn grey gracefully. I want to make uncool cool.
The key to this is that I don't need the social norms, the "rules", to tell me how to behave. If I practice respect and compassion (and ethics for the abstract cases), that will get me way farther than social rules about how to treat someone you don't know who approaches you on the street. And those principles apply to myself as well as to others -- I have to treat myself with respect and compassion, and look after my own needs as well as those of others. It's possible to navigate all of those and still come out ahead, if you're not bound by "how would it look if I" and "this person might think less of me if I".
The best part: I would finally be living as myself, not as what I think other people expect of me. No more pretending, no more being an impostor. No more hiding away what I really think and feel, just a thought for how to respect others in the process. And I think, actually, I'd probably end up a pretty awesome person.
I already know I'm good enough (thank you again, love.) I already believe I'm strong enough to stand up to most hardships. I already know that I have a core of people standing behind me who support me regardless. Now I have to tackle the internal pain which hobbles me and the internal strictures which hold me back. After that... well, the Man once told me to change the world. Maybe I can.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-20 07:05 (UTC)It has been awesome to walk this path with you.
*love*