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torquillI'm waking up to the issues behind feminism, and (more importantly) how those issues affect me directly. Like "every day, in physical ways" directly. I'm finding it's an important discussion to have, and that it can be had without either party getting dismissive, hostile, or shrill. Snarky, angry, or exasperated, perhaps, but we're talking about power imbalances; you'd be annoyed if I stole your cookie, wouldn't you? This is one *big* cookie.
This post was prompted by, and contains parts of, one ofdicedork's threads on Facebook. If it sounds like only part of a conversation, that's because it is.
For the record, I'm a woman who sits with her knees apart because my thighs are large enough that it takes effort to put them together. (And if you're thinking "wow, she must be fat", you now have the homework assignment of figuring out why you assume it's fat which makes my thighs large, and why that's worthy of note at all. Bonus points if you recognize the censure in your statement.) All I'm saying is that this Men's Rights idea [that's from the Reddit of the same name, btw] that the main reason to sit with one's legs apart is because it's the only way to make one's manly nutsack comfy is, well, bollocks. And totally ignores the social conditioning women experience that sitting with our knees together is "ladylike". It's not just a fifties thing, guys; I was told that as a kid too.
With regard to why men have a responsibility not to be oblivious to their own privilege, as Chris says, all men benefit from privilege, whether they're aware of it or not. If I'm afraid to rock the boat, all the men get a smoother ride. It's up to individual men to see that and to help correct situations such that I don't feel like I *need* to rock the boat -- and, if I still decide that it's worth the risk (and there is a risk, however small) to help me feel safe enough to do so.
Why? Because men are the ones at the top of the food chain. With great privilege comes great responsibility, or something like that.
FWIW, I feel that it's also a responsibility for women to learn about our place in society, and the differences in privilege we have right now, so that we can shift our own perception. I'm not saying that we should put ourselves at real risk of harm (economic, physical, whatever), but simply that we need to recognize when this sort of situation is happening. I'm on the train, some guy is sprawled there, asking him to move is the logical step, and I hesitate. It's up to me to recognize *why* I'm hesitating. I may still decide not to approach him, but if I look at the actual situation, it's within my power to decide that I think it's worth it, and to rationally circumvent the fear. The ability to make that decision, to choose whether to engage (or not cross the street, or give a guy my real number) or not based on the reality of the individual situation, is empowerment. That's one thing only we women can do for ourselves.
It is, of course, assisted by men who recognize and use their privilege to make situations more safe and anxiety-free for the women around them. Since men have more power in this situation, their role is larger. But it facilitates the sort of confidence required for one of us to ask you politely to move rather than just going home and griping from a distance.
The whole "that's just the way things are" cop-out is not confined to the people benefiting from inequality and privilege. It was quite a revelation for me to realize that when I'm walking down the street and worrying whether my shirt is cut too low, or whether I'm walking like a victim, or whether the guy approaching me on the sidewalk is going to be a problem, that's not something to shrug off as "just the way things are". It's my reality, but it doesn't have to *stay* that way. And I can work to change it.
My experiences aren't even unusual. Ask the women of your acquaintance whether they feel comfortable when an unknown man is walking behind them in an isolated place; it doesn't take a rape victim to say no. Nearly all of us live with fear, and assume that's normal. We don't see it, don't want to see it, and don't take a stand to change it, because it's normal. We'd be making a big deal out of nothing. Nobody else thinks it's a problem, right?
Right?
This post was prompted by, and contains parts of, one of
dicedork's threads on Facebook. If it sounds like only part of a conversation, that's because it is.For the record, I'm a woman who sits with her knees apart because my thighs are large enough that it takes effort to put them together. (And if you're thinking "wow, she must be fat", you now have the homework assignment of figuring out why you assume it's fat which makes my thighs large, and why that's worthy of note at all. Bonus points if you recognize the censure in your statement.) All I'm saying is that this Men's Rights idea [that's from the Reddit of the same name, btw] that the main reason to sit with one's legs apart is because it's the only way to make one's manly nutsack comfy is, well, bollocks. And totally ignores the social conditioning women experience that sitting with our knees together is "ladylike". It's not just a fifties thing, guys; I was told that as a kid too.
With regard to why men have a responsibility not to be oblivious to their own privilege, as Chris says, all men benefit from privilege, whether they're aware of it or not. If I'm afraid to rock the boat, all the men get a smoother ride. It's up to individual men to see that and to help correct situations such that I don't feel like I *need* to rock the boat -- and, if I still decide that it's worth the risk (and there is a risk, however small) to help me feel safe enough to do so.
Why? Because men are the ones at the top of the food chain. With great privilege comes great responsibility, or something like that.
FWIW, I feel that it's also a responsibility for women to learn about our place in society, and the differences in privilege we have right now, so that we can shift our own perception. I'm not saying that we should put ourselves at real risk of harm (economic, physical, whatever), but simply that we need to recognize when this sort of situation is happening. I'm on the train, some guy is sprawled there, asking him to move is the logical step, and I hesitate. It's up to me to recognize *why* I'm hesitating. I may still decide not to approach him, but if I look at the actual situation, it's within my power to decide that I think it's worth it, and to rationally circumvent the fear. The ability to make that decision, to choose whether to engage (or not cross the street, or give a guy my real number) or not based on the reality of the individual situation, is empowerment. That's one thing only we women can do for ourselves.
It is, of course, assisted by men who recognize and use their privilege to make situations more safe and anxiety-free for the women around them. Since men have more power in this situation, their role is larger. But it facilitates the sort of confidence required for one of us to ask you politely to move rather than just going home and griping from a distance.
The whole "that's just the way things are" cop-out is not confined to the people benefiting from inequality and privilege. It was quite a revelation for me to realize that when I'm walking down the street and worrying whether my shirt is cut too low, or whether I'm walking like a victim, or whether the guy approaching me on the sidewalk is going to be a problem, that's not something to shrug off as "just the way things are". It's my reality, but it doesn't have to *stay* that way. And I can work to change it.
My experiences aren't even unusual. Ask the women of your acquaintance whether they feel comfortable when an unknown man is walking behind them in an isolated place; it doesn't take a rape victim to say no. Nearly all of us live with fear, and assume that's normal. We don't see it, don't want to see it, and don't take a stand to change it, because it's normal. We'd be making a big deal out of nothing. Nobody else thinks it's a problem, right?
Right?
