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torquillI'm reminded just now of when I was talking to a friend who is going through the whole mid-life introspection thing -- you know, where you realize that you don't know where you're going and you keep hurting people you care about, which prompts a hard look at who you are and what you want? This friend was in a rough part of it, and said if they had known it would be like this, maybe they wouldn't have started... and I said that well, yeah, no adult in their right mind would dig into their own head without a compelling reason to. I mean, who would want to paw through river mud looking for shards of broken glass?
That got a quizzical look and the comment that other people had done the whole "you really need to, you'll thank yourself" bit, or the "I can kind of understand why you don't want to" bit, but that I was the first person to say "Why on earth would you do that to yourself?"
I said it was because I probably had far more experience with the process than any of them. It's not that I don't think deep self-knowledge is valuable -- I do -- but that the wisdom you get comes at a price. If nothing else, it costs time, most of your peace of mind, all of your illusions, and it starts by injuring your self-esteem. Anyone who says it can be done in safe little stages, or that it won't be traumatic, is lying. Like any surgery, sometimes it is necessary, and the subsequent boost to your inner health can be tremendous. But it's not something you undertake unless you have to.
I've done it a lot, which is why I have so much sympathy for anybody else walking that road. All I can say is that it gets worse, but after that it will get better... and the peace you get at the end is worth the effort.
That got a quizzical look and the comment that other people had done the whole "you really need to, you'll thank yourself" bit, or the "I can kind of understand why you don't want to" bit, but that I was the first person to say "Why on earth would you do that to yourself?"
I said it was because I probably had far more experience with the process than any of them. It's not that I don't think deep self-knowledge is valuable -- I do -- but that the wisdom you get comes at a price. If nothing else, it costs time, most of your peace of mind, all of your illusions, and it starts by injuring your self-esteem. Anyone who says it can be done in safe little stages, or that it won't be traumatic, is lying. Like any surgery, sometimes it is necessary, and the subsequent boost to your inner health can be tremendous. But it's not something you undertake unless you have to.
I've done it a lot, which is why I have so much sympathy for anybody else walking that road. All I can say is that it gets worse, but after that it will get better... and the peace you get at the end is worth the effort.
