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torquillI've been working out a few things over the last week or so. There are still logistical concerns to be addressed, but it's down to a question of "how" rather than "what".
Upshots:
* I'm dropping out of the Master Gardeners. It got me started on my career path, but I'm not spending enough time on it to make it worthwhile for either side.
* I've withdrawn my applications for housing at the co-ops. The food situation would just make it too difficult.
* I've decided not to take up long-term residence in Davis. I might have to rent an apartment up here next year (that's one of the logistical items), but it will be temporary; I'm hoping not for more than three months. It may mean a more difficult commute at times, but I'm finding that there's a lot I'll put up with if I have a good reason to.
The consequences of this are rather complicated. I'm about to go talk to an advisor about scheduling (I'm currently on track to graduate in '09, I think), but the simple fact that the course schedules don't come out until a month or so before classes start is going to make things difficult. I need to figure out the financial aid repercussions (there may not be much). I may end up scrambling for housing at some point in the foreseeable future. Meanwhile, all of the problems I have with living with my parents will remain for a while.
It's probably the more difficult of the options I have, but the simple fact that I'm at peace tells me it's the right one. I'll make it work one way or another -- it may not be neat or tidy or easy -- because it's what I really honestly want. It's meant adjusting quite a bit, since I have been operating under the assumption that I would be commuting only until I found a place to settle down up here, and now that isn't the case.
Why?
Because when I initially made that assumption, I didn't have much for me at home. Nick was about it, and I could handle a separation of a year or so before he came up to join me at Davis. When I started having misgivings about house-hunting up here, I figured it was just because I was uneasy about the amount of chaos and change... but really, it's come to me lately that my heart is down there. My community is there. Everyone I meet up here is all right, nice to talk to and all... but we're lacking anything in common except that we're students, and that's not how I self-identify anymore. Being a student is like an occupation to me, not an identity... and no matter how cool your co-workers are, it would get very lonely living at work.
The thing that strikes me the most is that I haven't really found a geek community here. Not like there is in the Bay Area: more than people who like techie toys, more than SCAers, but a whole group of general-purpose geeks of all age ranges. Mature people, who have things figured out more than the tweeners that make up most of the undergrad population, without having the insularity of the postgrads. I certainly haven't found any poly current here, and to me, that means more than potential dates -- it means people who are comfortable enough with themselves and non-defined relationships that friendship is defined rather fluidly, and casual physical contact is an unremarkable thing. I've found that such a simple thing is very important to me.
I've found a larger and more comprehensive version of the little group that used to gather in the high school library during lunch to roll dice, where you were easily accepted on your own terms. Now that I've found it -- like an extended family, even if I haven't met all the cousins yet -- I can't give it up so readily. Maybe sometime, down the line, when I've had more time to feel like I'm not an oddball or outcast... but not yet.
I think I'd be very lonely up here.
No one has yet told me I'm crazy to keep commuting, and I feel comfortable with the decision... all that remains is to see whether some aspect of the mechanics will make things harder than I expect.
Upshots:
* I'm dropping out of the Master Gardeners. It got me started on my career path, but I'm not spending enough time on it to make it worthwhile for either side.
* I've withdrawn my applications for housing at the co-ops. The food situation would just make it too difficult.
* I've decided not to take up long-term residence in Davis. I might have to rent an apartment up here next year (that's one of the logistical items), but it will be temporary; I'm hoping not for more than three months. It may mean a more difficult commute at times, but I'm finding that there's a lot I'll put up with if I have a good reason to.
The consequences of this are rather complicated. I'm about to go talk to an advisor about scheduling (I'm currently on track to graduate in '09, I think), but the simple fact that the course schedules don't come out until a month or so before classes start is going to make things difficult. I need to figure out the financial aid repercussions (there may not be much). I may end up scrambling for housing at some point in the foreseeable future. Meanwhile, all of the problems I have with living with my parents will remain for a while.
It's probably the more difficult of the options I have, but the simple fact that I'm at peace tells me it's the right one. I'll make it work one way or another -- it may not be neat or tidy or easy -- because it's what I really honestly want. It's meant adjusting quite a bit, since I have been operating under the assumption that I would be commuting only until I found a place to settle down up here, and now that isn't the case.
Why?
Because when I initially made that assumption, I didn't have much for me at home. Nick was about it, and I could handle a separation of a year or so before he came up to join me at Davis. When I started having misgivings about house-hunting up here, I figured it was just because I was uneasy about the amount of chaos and change... but really, it's come to me lately that my heart is down there. My community is there. Everyone I meet up here is all right, nice to talk to and all... but we're lacking anything in common except that we're students, and that's not how I self-identify anymore. Being a student is like an occupation to me, not an identity... and no matter how cool your co-workers are, it would get very lonely living at work.
The thing that strikes me the most is that I haven't really found a geek community here. Not like there is in the Bay Area: more than people who like techie toys, more than SCAers, but a whole group of general-purpose geeks of all age ranges. Mature people, who have things figured out more than the tweeners that make up most of the undergrad population, without having the insularity of the postgrads. I certainly haven't found any poly current here, and to me, that means more than potential dates -- it means people who are comfortable enough with themselves and non-defined relationships that friendship is defined rather fluidly, and casual physical contact is an unremarkable thing. I've found that such a simple thing is very important to me.
I've found a larger and more comprehensive version of the little group that used to gather in the high school library during lunch to roll dice, where you were easily accepted on your own terms. Now that I've found it -- like an extended family, even if I haven't met all the cousins yet -- I can't give it up so readily. Maybe sometime, down the line, when I've had more time to feel like I'm not an oddball or outcast... but not yet.
I think I'd be very lonely up here.
No one has yet told me I'm crazy to keep commuting, and I feel comfortable with the decision... all that remains is to see whether some aspect of the mechanics will make things harder than I expect.
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no subject
Date: 2007-05-02 20:57 (UTC)Besides, I'd miss seeing you every once in a while. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-05-03 01:34 (UTC)Your observations are correct from what I can see. I tried to find the geeks up here. They're either so buried in a hermit cave that they can't be found, or they just aren't here, not like you and I know them to be.
Living up here, essentially alone has been damn hard, though. And no offense, but I think you need people more than I do, and you are closer to more people than I am or have ever been. I've gotten by on weekend visits and the occasional gathering. If it wasn't for my weekly gaming group, I'd have given it all up about two years ago. As it is, I lived on the internet my first year here, and then I imported a geek of my own to keep me company for the next year.
If you can commute, do. Your emotional state and sanity will be better for it.