One small step forward

How is it that simply calling the Social Security Administration to make an appointment is enough to make me feel like crap?

Don't answer that. I know the reason... I still haven't expunged the creeping feeling that by applying for permanent disability I'm giving up and admitting failure. It doesn't matter that asking me to work a 40-hour week is equivalent to asking a paraplegic to dance a waltz -- the conditioning I've had my whole life, around work ethics and capabilities and what makes a person worthwhile, is all acting like a horrible swamp full of trash that sucks at my self esteem.

I deserve to be able to live without trading my health for money. The fact that I'm reliant on others is not through any fault of mine, and I shouldn't be ashamed of it. Most people don't have a full-time job of just keeping their bodies going.

I'll keep saying these things to myself, and maybe I won't be a complete wreck by the time my appointment comes around. If I am, well, my therapy appointment is that afternoon. We'll see on August 2.

Yatta!

This was the kind of day I keep wanting to have. I pretty much Did All The Things. My to-do list isn't comprehensive, but I:

- Fed myself three times (yay)
- Took all necessary meds
- Hard-boiled some eggs
- Took out the trash in the living room and bedroom
- Deposited a couple of checks
- Wrote a check for my Master Gardener dues
- Mailed it
- Sent out a reminder about the next MG workshop (on time!)
- Answered an email from East Bay Burners
- Called Social Security and spent an hour on hold
- Called Broadway Terrace Nursery to thank them
- Called UC Santa Cruz to update my alumnus info
- Watered the plants in the front yard
- Picked some nectarines (I need to clear the tree tomorrow)
- Dropped some at the horse-owner's house
- Got a bag of alfalfa pellets from the feed store
- Got a replacement bathroom light switch
- Cut a piece of gutter and put ends on it
- Set the maple pieces to soak in the gutter-tray
- Installed MS Office on my VM
- Installed Crescendo
- Installed SketchUp
- Filled out a LARP application
- Fixed up my bike
- Made a DIY phone mount for the bike
- Installed Pokemon Go and got it set up
- Went out on the bike for 15 minutes (oh my thighs)

I still want to do a few minutes of voice work, but I think I can rest for the remainder of the evening and feel virtuous.