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torquillMy therapist said today that I was displaying a bunch of the signs of dysphoria -- not specifically body dysphoria, but hormone dysphoria. He said I seemed a lot more distressed and emotionally volatile, and that it seemed like it might be impacting my comfort level around my gender identity. I totally agree with him, and it's nice to get that kind of outside confirmation. (Have I mentioned yet how awesome it is to have a therapist versed in gender issues?)
One side effect of working to get my sight back is that my menstrual cycle has stumbled back into place after six months of being stuck. After my last bleed (I can't really call it a period, they were basically episodes of breakthrough bleeding 20-40 days apart) my morning temperature dropped, and it's stayed down for a week or more now. I fully expect it to leap upward and stay there around midmonth, which was the pattern I always used to have in the days of yore. That would indicate that I'm actually ovulating again.
So, to a certain extent, yay that another one of my systems is responding and showing some indication of returning to normal. It also confirms that the menstrual issues are very likely related to my eyesight problems, which would put the origin squarely in the pituitary region, no matter what the MRI said. However... all is not sunlight and roses. It may have sputtered back to life, but in doing so it's started dumping even *more* estrogen into my system. I've been in a haze all week, desperately trying to dig myself out of hormonal brainfog and elevated libido (I'm sleeping 12-13 hours a day and writing erotica for a good portion of the remainder). I hiked my aromatase inhibitor severely this morning, and while I think I'm finally starting to get a handle on this thing, the imbalance definitely showed during my therapy appointment this afternoon. I was emotionally volatile (and, as I told him, quite aware of it) and pretty unhappy about not feeling like myself.
I'm hoping pretty hard that this is just one of those backing-out scenarios -- that I end up getting out of the hormone malfunction via the same path I got in, and that the imbalance will resolve as I heal up, until I'm left with what I consider "normal". In the meantime, though, I'm going to ask my gyno about the possibility of a progesterone supplement to help even it out, and to get things rolling for a hysterectomy. I've been kind of torn about whether it was worth the hassle, but the way that it can completely turn my sense of identity upside-down on a whim distresses me, and if I can't be assured that it'll behave from now on (just like the uncertainty about my vision), I'd really rather not have such a concrete source of emotional distress lurking around.
One other thing that came to light was that, in the process of talking about the depressive episodes that come on -- many of which are hormonally triggered -- I realized how much some of my changes in mental state frighten me. Not because of the implications, or because I'm afraid of what I might do as a result... simply because those are really unpleasant experiences, and I just don't want to go there again. Black dwarf-star depression is a horrible place to end up in, and even when you know intellectually there is still light in the world, the fact that you can't see even a glimmer is horrible. I feel fortunate that I come out of those episodes in a reasonable length of time, still intact, but the knowledge that a hormone fluctuation can throw me back in at any time is upsetting.
I'm starting to feel like I'm taking control of things in a medical sense, and though the randomness of environmental exposures persists, it seems like I'm managing to bend the medical system to my needs. My GP (Dr. Awesome) did manage to get a referral for an allergist, so I'll see about calling for an appointment tomorrow. I see my gyno this Friday, and that will hopefully yield some movement. I'm continuing to see gradual improvement in my vision, and though it's not as steady or quick as I'd like, I'm getting more really clear periods. Pushing is finally getting me somewhere I can live with.
Once I'm out of the estrogen haze I'll pull up the forms for SSI. I want to see the allergist before filing anything, but I can get started on the basics.
One side effect of working to get my sight back is that my menstrual cycle has stumbled back into place after six months of being stuck. After my last bleed (I can't really call it a period, they were basically episodes of breakthrough bleeding 20-40 days apart) my morning temperature dropped, and it's stayed down for a week or more now. I fully expect it to leap upward and stay there around midmonth, which was the pattern I always used to have in the days of yore. That would indicate that I'm actually ovulating again.
So, to a certain extent, yay that another one of my systems is responding and showing some indication of returning to normal. It also confirms that the menstrual issues are very likely related to my eyesight problems, which would put the origin squarely in the pituitary region, no matter what the MRI said. However... all is not sunlight and roses. It may have sputtered back to life, but in doing so it's started dumping even *more* estrogen into my system. I've been in a haze all week, desperately trying to dig myself out of hormonal brainfog and elevated libido (I'm sleeping 12-13 hours a day and writing erotica for a good portion of the remainder). I hiked my aromatase inhibitor severely this morning, and while I think I'm finally starting to get a handle on this thing, the imbalance definitely showed during my therapy appointment this afternoon. I was emotionally volatile (and, as I told him, quite aware of it) and pretty unhappy about not feeling like myself.
I'm hoping pretty hard that this is just one of those backing-out scenarios -- that I end up getting out of the hormone malfunction via the same path I got in, and that the imbalance will resolve as I heal up, until I'm left with what I consider "normal". In the meantime, though, I'm going to ask my gyno about the possibility of a progesterone supplement to help even it out, and to get things rolling for a hysterectomy. I've been kind of torn about whether it was worth the hassle, but the way that it can completely turn my sense of identity upside-down on a whim distresses me, and if I can't be assured that it'll behave from now on (just like the uncertainty about my vision), I'd really rather not have such a concrete source of emotional distress lurking around.
One other thing that came to light was that, in the process of talking about the depressive episodes that come on -- many of which are hormonally triggered -- I realized how much some of my changes in mental state frighten me. Not because of the implications, or because I'm afraid of what I might do as a result... simply because those are really unpleasant experiences, and I just don't want to go there again. Black dwarf-star depression is a horrible place to end up in, and even when you know intellectually there is still light in the world, the fact that you can't see even a glimmer is horrible. I feel fortunate that I come out of those episodes in a reasonable length of time, still intact, but the knowledge that a hormone fluctuation can throw me back in at any time is upsetting.
I'm starting to feel like I'm taking control of things in a medical sense, and though the randomness of environmental exposures persists, it seems like I'm managing to bend the medical system to my needs. My GP (Dr. Awesome) did manage to get a referral for an allergist, so I'll see about calling for an appointment tomorrow. I see my gyno this Friday, and that will hopefully yield some movement. I'm continuing to see gradual improvement in my vision, and though it's not as steady or quick as I'd like, I'm getting more really clear periods. Pushing is finally getting me somewhere I can live with.
Once I'm out of the estrogen haze I'll pull up the forms for SSI. I want to see the allergist before filing anything, but I can get started on the basics.
