Contamination theory
Aug. 7th, 2015 21:49![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
torquillI consider myself an excellent judge of character. While you can't really know what's under the surface for many people, especially at a casual glance, there are some markers for behavior that I pick up clearly. Most of them are simply information. Some are warning flags.
I've realized that when I flag someone as being not-safe, I also start looking suspiciously at those close to them. Specifically, if I flag a man as possibly being unsafe -- anywhere on the spectrum from dudebro to outright predator -- I get wary of his friends and immediate family. What's most interesting to me about this is that I'm far more suspicious of the women he associates with than the men.
Most of the cues I pick up are ones gleaned from decades of living as a woman, having bad behaviors directed at me. Most men don't experience that, and don't have to develop that sort of radar, so the back of my brain assumes that they probably don't see what I'm seeing... they're not deliberately ignoring the signs, they just see no meaning in them. But, argues the back of my brain, women would presumably have had similar experiences (so many have), so why aren't they getting the bad juju I am? They must be blind, damaged, in denial, or complicit. I end up subconsciously watching them even harder, trying to figure out whether they are a threat or a victim, or just a neutral oblivious bystander.
I've always done this chain of thought, this is just the first time I've been aware of it. The Shroedinger's Rapist wariness I already knew about, but mistrusting the women associated with a potential threat is a new realization. It definitely makes me feel even less safe in situations with a man who might be a problem, as it's not just one person I have to watch out for, but his associates. Not a comfortable situation. Not one I feel like I can logic my way around in the general case, either. There are too many cases which prove the point.
I'm also really looking at the fact that just because I can defend myself physically, that does not make me feel emotionally safe. Putting aside the guarded attitude I always have around a potential physical adversary (not relaxing), not all attacks are physical, and not all trauma is to the body. Some people can do serious damage without using physical touch at all. It's that sort of emotional molestation that I can survive, and heal from, and even guard against somewhat, but which I am never truly safe from. Not like I'm safe from someone trying to physically assault me. I need to recognize that sense of vulnerability and work with it.
I've realized that when I flag someone as being not-safe, I also start looking suspiciously at those close to them. Specifically, if I flag a man as possibly being unsafe -- anywhere on the spectrum from dudebro to outright predator -- I get wary of his friends and immediate family. What's most interesting to me about this is that I'm far more suspicious of the women he associates with than the men.
Most of the cues I pick up are ones gleaned from decades of living as a woman, having bad behaviors directed at me. Most men don't experience that, and don't have to develop that sort of radar, so the back of my brain assumes that they probably don't see what I'm seeing... they're not deliberately ignoring the signs, they just see no meaning in them. But, argues the back of my brain, women would presumably have had similar experiences (so many have), so why aren't they getting the bad juju I am? They must be blind, damaged, in denial, or complicit. I end up subconsciously watching them even harder, trying to figure out whether they are a threat or a victim, or just a neutral oblivious bystander.
I've always done this chain of thought, this is just the first time I've been aware of it. The Shroedinger's Rapist wariness I already knew about, but mistrusting the women associated with a potential threat is a new realization. It definitely makes me feel even less safe in situations with a man who might be a problem, as it's not just one person I have to watch out for, but his associates. Not a comfortable situation. Not one I feel like I can logic my way around in the general case, either. There are too many cases which prove the point.
I'm also really looking at the fact that just because I can defend myself physically, that does not make me feel emotionally safe. Putting aside the guarded attitude I always have around a potential physical adversary (not relaxing), not all attacks are physical, and not all trauma is to the body. Some people can do serious damage without using physical touch at all. It's that sort of emotional molestation that I can survive, and heal from, and even guard against somewhat, but which I am never truly safe from. Not like I'm safe from someone trying to physically assault me. I need to recognize that sense of vulnerability and work with it.
no subject
Date: 2015-08-08 14:39 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-08 17:14 (UTC)He struck me as the type of guy I'd have to watch out for after he's had a couple of drinks -- roaming hands if nothing else. After the day I'd had already, Amy was not feeling tolerant.
I'm glad you're able to give him the benefit of the doubt; everyone deserves the chance to make something better of their life. I appreciate your compassion, especially since I had none to give last night.