Getting off the ground
Jun. 6th, 2015 15:47![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
torquillI had more energy today. More than enough for Plant Clinic, despite being the only pathologist -- Nick ended up doing most of the triage, along with the few ento questions we got -- and enough to make myself lunch before heading out to do errands. It was only as I was leaving the credit union, the last stop, that I suddenly felt everything start to hurt. That plus fatigue means my inflammatory disorder has decided it's time to rest for a while. So I'm home, catching up on the computer before I decide whether I'm up to changing the taillight bulbs on my car.
Still, three-quarters of a day full of energy is a great improvement, even if it does also make me feel how out of shape I am. I'm hoping I feel good enough tomorrow to take the scythe to the last of the tall weeds; I think a full-body workout would be good for me, so long as I don't overdo it.
I'm in slacks and one of my best white shirts, over the binder, so I'm presenting pretty male right now. I've also been making it a habit to deepen my voice a little, just enough to make it really unclear where I land on the spectrum. I've already been told that it sounds like I'm on T, and getting rid of some of the higher ranges just emphasizes that. I don't present as a man, but I'm so far off of being a woman that it's obvious I'm "other" in some way. Which is about how I want it; I'm getting pretty content with the ways I present, and they feel comfortable. Just not very familiar yet.
It occurred to me, as a clerk at Pep Boys was helping me carry five quarts of oil to the counter and getting noticeably more uncomfortable every time I spoke, that I've been subconsciously aware of being an ambassador ever since I came out. Most people haven't encountered many (if any) obvious non-binary folk. In a lot of the business interactions I have, I might be the first enby they've seen. (Though I was amused to note that the sales clerk at Lush yesterday read like another enby.) I dress sharp because that's what makes me comfortable, but I add an extra little bit of care when I'm in the public eye. I've started carrying a comb in the car, and using it even while I'm running errands. My manners are also tuned up, making sure to smile, thank them, and stay unfailingly polite. I don't feel a threat of consequences if I don't, but I do want to leave people with the best impression I can. After all, word gets around, and fellow clerks pick up cues from body language. If I can give them a good experience, maybe they'll relax a little when they can't immediately get a read on somebody's gender next time.
Mostly, I want to be liked. Not because I feel a need for affirmation, but because I want to give the public a gentle introduction to the idea that everything they thought they knew about gender is wrong. It's hard to have your beliefs challenged... but sometimes it's a little easier when the person who embodies that challenge is smiling and treating you nicely. I don't think anybody loses in that sort of arrangement.
I'm starting to think that the person in the mirror looks like a Sam, and I'm embracing the enby label more easily. I just need to get myself out there more, and get my physical fitness in gear, and things should be pretty good.
Still, three-quarters of a day full of energy is a great improvement, even if it does also make me feel how out of shape I am. I'm hoping I feel good enough tomorrow to take the scythe to the last of the tall weeds; I think a full-body workout would be good for me, so long as I don't overdo it.
I'm in slacks and one of my best white shirts, over the binder, so I'm presenting pretty male right now. I've also been making it a habit to deepen my voice a little, just enough to make it really unclear where I land on the spectrum. I've already been told that it sounds like I'm on T, and getting rid of some of the higher ranges just emphasizes that. I don't present as a man, but I'm so far off of being a woman that it's obvious I'm "other" in some way. Which is about how I want it; I'm getting pretty content with the ways I present, and they feel comfortable. Just not very familiar yet.
It occurred to me, as a clerk at Pep Boys was helping me carry five quarts of oil to the counter and getting noticeably more uncomfortable every time I spoke, that I've been subconsciously aware of being an ambassador ever since I came out. Most people haven't encountered many (if any) obvious non-binary folk. In a lot of the business interactions I have, I might be the first enby they've seen. (Though I was amused to note that the sales clerk at Lush yesterday read like another enby.) I dress sharp because that's what makes me comfortable, but I add an extra little bit of care when I'm in the public eye. I've started carrying a comb in the car, and using it even while I'm running errands. My manners are also tuned up, making sure to smile, thank them, and stay unfailingly polite. I don't feel a threat of consequences if I don't, but I do want to leave people with the best impression I can. After all, word gets around, and fellow clerks pick up cues from body language. If I can give them a good experience, maybe they'll relax a little when they can't immediately get a read on somebody's gender next time.
Mostly, I want to be liked. Not because I feel a need for affirmation, but because I want to give the public a gentle introduction to the idea that everything they thought they knew about gender is wrong. It's hard to have your beliefs challenged... but sometimes it's a little easier when the person who embodies that challenge is smiling and treating you nicely. I don't think anybody loses in that sort of arrangement.
I'm starting to think that the person in the mirror looks like a Sam, and I'm embracing the enby label more easily. I just need to get myself out there more, and get my physical fitness in gear, and things should be pretty good.
no subject
Date: 2015-06-09 16:35 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-06-15 04:45 (UTC)