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torquillI have been told I'm far too sensitive about... well, pick your topic.
The thing that these topics have in common is that I'm trying to do something and I have to ask someone (almost always male) for help. Or they happen to see I'm doing something, and ask about it. Or they just poke their nose in and start talking. And then I have to stop and explain. That's not the problem. I'm usually willing to pause long enough to describe what I'm trying to do.
Then they ask why I'm doing it that way. Or whether I want to do X instead. And I sometimes say oh, I hadn't thought of that -- but most times it's something I had thought about and decided against, for some reason. So I say no, I'd rather do Y. What ought to happen (in my mind) is that the line of inquiry stops there, they say oh, okay, and if I've asked for assistance they turn their minds to accomplishing Y. That is what happens almost every time I ask a woman for help. My brother is pretty good at it too.
But then there are the other times. "Are you sure?" "Why would you do it that way?" "Have you thought about doing Z, or F, or D?" "It would be more effective if you did P first." "I don't understand why you're not doing X." "Why are you doing [project] instead of buying [item]?"
And this is when I either spend ten minutes justifying my choices (and get exasperated), or simply say "No, I'm doing it my way," and hurt their feelings. Because they're just trying to help, and they don't understand why I'm getting irritated or shutting them down. And I get called "sensitive" (ha).
Why do I get so irritated, you ask, when they're just trying to understand my project? Simple. It's my project.
I'm not being possessive or territorial. it's simply that it's my thing, not theirs; something where I felt it needed to be done, and embarked on doing it. I didn't enlist a team because I didn't need one. I felt able to define the scope of it, figure out the stages and materials needed, and put together a viable solution. Occasionally I need outside skills or input, but when I do, I ask for specific things, because all I need is a little outside contract work. Help working the camera to take photos of something. How to set up a specific tool. The location of something I know we have and can't find.
What makes me scream inside is when I'm required to take a chunk of time to justify all of the decisions I have made while planning and executing my project, simply because an outsider doesn't understand my process. As I said, it's not the explanations -- it's the second-guessing, the co-opting of my project, the assumption that they can do it better. And I have to sit through all the options I've already considered, state that I decided not to do that, and then explain in detail why, and that yes, I'm sure, and no, that other way doesn't suit my purposes. And half the time just my decision not to go with their idea makes them feel hurt and left out.
It's not classic mansplaining, but I suspect it fits into "condesplaining". It is not something I've heard happens to people who present as male. It is a phenomenon I have had to deal with for most of my life, though it ramped up sharply when I started using tools and skills that are usually considered within the male domain. Becoming a Maker involves lots of messing with things, doing them wrong and learning from the experience, and coming up with unconventional approaches. But it feels like the most difficult part is just trying to get people to leave me alone and let me work.
I feel micromanaged and I'm not even an employee. It's why I'm so reluctant to say anything when my dad asks what I'm doing, or what I'm looking for. It's one of the biggest reasons my relationship with Greg faded. I want to be treated like a competent adult, whose reasons are valid even if they are not immediately clear. I want to not be constantly challenged and second-guessed when I'm doing things that only affect me and my own satisfaction. I am surrounded by technical and highly intelligent people, so I expect some unsolicited advice, but the assumption that their own ideas are so far superior to mine that it's bewildering that I would choose otherwise? Yeah, that's pretty galling.
But I get told that I'm too sensitive about it, and I've hurt somebody's feelings. Maybe I should apologize, once I stop wanting to bite things. I'm sure it'll take only ten minutes to justify why I didn't want to discuss my decisions.
The thing that these topics have in common is that I'm trying to do something and I have to ask someone (almost always male) for help. Or they happen to see I'm doing something, and ask about it. Or they just poke their nose in and start talking. And then I have to stop and explain. That's not the problem. I'm usually willing to pause long enough to describe what I'm trying to do.
Then they ask why I'm doing it that way. Or whether I want to do X instead. And I sometimes say oh, I hadn't thought of that -- but most times it's something I had thought about and decided against, for some reason. So I say no, I'd rather do Y. What ought to happen (in my mind) is that the line of inquiry stops there, they say oh, okay, and if I've asked for assistance they turn their minds to accomplishing Y. That is what happens almost every time I ask a woman for help. My brother is pretty good at it too.
But then there are the other times. "Are you sure?" "Why would you do it that way?" "Have you thought about doing Z, or F, or D?" "It would be more effective if you did P first." "I don't understand why you're not doing X." "Why are you doing [project] instead of buying [item]?"
And this is when I either spend ten minutes justifying my choices (and get exasperated), or simply say "No, I'm doing it my way," and hurt their feelings. Because they're just trying to help, and they don't understand why I'm getting irritated or shutting them down. And I get called "sensitive" (ha).
Why do I get so irritated, you ask, when they're just trying to understand my project? Simple. It's my project.
I'm not being possessive or territorial. it's simply that it's my thing, not theirs; something where I felt it needed to be done, and embarked on doing it. I didn't enlist a team because I didn't need one. I felt able to define the scope of it, figure out the stages and materials needed, and put together a viable solution. Occasionally I need outside skills or input, but when I do, I ask for specific things, because all I need is a little outside contract work. Help working the camera to take photos of something. How to set up a specific tool. The location of something I know we have and can't find.
What makes me scream inside is when I'm required to take a chunk of time to justify all of the decisions I have made while planning and executing my project, simply because an outsider doesn't understand my process. As I said, it's not the explanations -- it's the second-guessing, the co-opting of my project, the assumption that they can do it better. And I have to sit through all the options I've already considered, state that I decided not to do that, and then explain in detail why, and that yes, I'm sure, and no, that other way doesn't suit my purposes. And half the time just my decision not to go with their idea makes them feel hurt and left out.
It's not classic mansplaining, but I suspect it fits into "condesplaining". It is not something I've heard happens to people who present as male. It is a phenomenon I have had to deal with for most of my life, though it ramped up sharply when I started using tools and skills that are usually considered within the male domain. Becoming a Maker involves lots of messing with things, doing them wrong and learning from the experience, and coming up with unconventional approaches. But it feels like the most difficult part is just trying to get people to leave me alone and let me work.
I feel micromanaged and I'm not even an employee. It's why I'm so reluctant to say anything when my dad asks what I'm doing, or what I'm looking for. It's one of the biggest reasons my relationship with Greg faded. I want to be treated like a competent adult, whose reasons are valid even if they are not immediately clear. I want to not be constantly challenged and second-guessed when I'm doing things that only affect me and my own satisfaction. I am surrounded by technical and highly intelligent people, so I expect some unsolicited advice, but the assumption that their own ideas are so far superior to mine that it's bewildering that I would choose otherwise? Yeah, that's pretty galling.
But I get told that I'm too sensitive about it, and I've hurt somebody's feelings. Maybe I should apologize, once I stop wanting to bite things. I'm sure it'll take only ten minutes to justify why I didn't want to discuss my decisions.
