Before I go lie down again...
Sep. 12th, 2012 17:19![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
torquillEvery time I wash my car, my dad wanders out and quips, "Wanna wash my truck, too?" He's trying to be funny, and every time it annoys me out of (it feels like) all proportion. Today I finally got my courage up and told him that while I know the comment is meant to be amusing, it's actually kind of offensive to someone with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
I know he wasn't trying to offend (and said so). He apologized and that was that. I spent some time trying to figure out why it's offensive, and got a few answers, but not as complete as I'd like. I'm notoriously bad at this sort of thing.
My abilities are far above some of those with CFS (thanks to my good fortune), but I'm still among the ranks of the physically handicapped, if only part of the time. As a result, I wash my car only a few times a year, less than I'd like. It's one of the most strenuous activities I embark on, right up there with digging out garden beds. I try to choose my day carefully, conserve my energy before and after, and I try not to do too much. I'd love to wax it every time, but sometimes it's all I can do to get the outside clean and dry, and forget wax or doing the interior. Those have to wait, sometimes quite a while. I still do it myself, especially at this time of year, because the last time I took my car to the car wash with walnut hulls dropped all over it (effing squirrels) the people there used a scrub brush and ruined the paint job. I don't have the money to pay somebody to be more careful.
But when I'm standing there, halfway done, aware that I really should be sitting down because I've used up my available energy and I'm running on reserves (which will come out of my hide later, with interest), having someone come up and say "hey, here's another job you can do" is really irritating. It carries a little of the "oh, you're doing all that work so you must not be sick after all" vibe, which so many CFSers battle daily. Mostly, though, it's the Housewife's Plight. You know, the hackneyed comic strip where the housewife works her tail off all day, the man comes home from work, and suggests the wife do this or that chore because "I had a hard day at the office". It carries a special sting for the physically disabled.
Say you're at the grocery store. A man in a wheelchair comes up to the shelves you're browsing, levers himself laboriously out of the chair, and uses an arm to steady himself as he gets a box of crackers from a higher shelf. You wouldn't (at least I hope!) suggest to him, even in jest, "Hey, while you're up, could you grab me a box of Cheez-Its?" Even as a joke, it's in poor taste. Having an invisible disability doesn't make it any less so.
I can wash my car, just as the fellow in the wheelchair can do his own shopping. We don't want bystanders to assume we aren't able to do the tasks we knowingly attempt. (Please don't offer assistance to the physically disabled unless they recruit your help or are in obvious distress.) It is good to have some acknowledgement, however, that the task may not be trivial, whatever it would be for the able-bodied. We don't need praise, just respect for the effort involved. It preserves dignity and self-respect all around.
I'm hardly an expert on the disabled, so I may have mis-stepped somewhere in airing my own views... I hope I haven't turned right around and offended in turn. :)
I know he wasn't trying to offend (and said so). He apologized and that was that. I spent some time trying to figure out why it's offensive, and got a few answers, but not as complete as I'd like. I'm notoriously bad at this sort of thing.
My abilities are far above some of those with CFS (thanks to my good fortune), but I'm still among the ranks of the physically handicapped, if only part of the time. As a result, I wash my car only a few times a year, less than I'd like. It's one of the most strenuous activities I embark on, right up there with digging out garden beds. I try to choose my day carefully, conserve my energy before and after, and I try not to do too much. I'd love to wax it every time, but sometimes it's all I can do to get the outside clean and dry, and forget wax or doing the interior. Those have to wait, sometimes quite a while. I still do it myself, especially at this time of year, because the last time I took my car to the car wash with walnut hulls dropped all over it (effing squirrels) the people there used a scrub brush and ruined the paint job. I don't have the money to pay somebody to be more careful.
But when I'm standing there, halfway done, aware that I really should be sitting down because I've used up my available energy and I'm running on reserves (which will come out of my hide later, with interest), having someone come up and say "hey, here's another job you can do" is really irritating. It carries a little of the "oh, you're doing all that work so you must not be sick after all" vibe, which so many CFSers battle daily. Mostly, though, it's the Housewife's Plight. You know, the hackneyed comic strip where the housewife works her tail off all day, the man comes home from work, and suggests the wife do this or that chore because "I had a hard day at the office". It carries a special sting for the physically disabled.
Say you're at the grocery store. A man in a wheelchair comes up to the shelves you're browsing, levers himself laboriously out of the chair, and uses an arm to steady himself as he gets a box of crackers from a higher shelf. You wouldn't (at least I hope!) suggest to him, even in jest, "Hey, while you're up, could you grab me a box of Cheez-Its?" Even as a joke, it's in poor taste. Having an invisible disability doesn't make it any less so.
I can wash my car, just as the fellow in the wheelchair can do his own shopping. We don't want bystanders to assume we aren't able to do the tasks we knowingly attempt. (Please don't offer assistance to the physically disabled unless they recruit your help or are in obvious distress.) It is good to have some acknowledgement, however, that the task may not be trivial, whatever it would be for the able-bodied. We don't need praise, just respect for the effort involved. It preserves dignity and self-respect all around.
I'm hardly an expert on the disabled, so I may have mis-stepped somewhere in airing my own views... I hope I haven't turned right around and offended in turn. :)
